Tag: menapause

gear i’ve used so far

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i don’t know why it has taken me so long to write about the larger pieces of gear i’ve been using. it seems like it would have been a great thing to write about before taking off while i was being anxious and obsessive about it all.

i recently went out to a lake with some pals and managed to take some pics of some key pieces while in use, vs. on the floor of an urban abode.

first, the pack holding everything. it’s a ula catalyst made in utah. it really is a workhouse of a pack. i traded in all my other packs at next adventure to afford it. i totally over packed this sucker and it still held up super, keeping the weight on my hips. the folks over at next adventure were amazingly patient with me as we mixed up the sizes of the hip belt and the different straps. ula makes an “s” shoulder harness and a “j” design. at first i was kinda frustrated with all the different straps and such to cinch and compress, but i quickly found my way around them and appreciated every last one of them. i really liked the roll top closure with the different options of clipping it closed either with the side straps, or on top as you would a dry bag. i also used the hell out of the external mesh pocket for trekking poles, rain gear/wet gear, tent, and umbrella. the pack is still a bit bigger and heavier than i want to have, but it has been great for essentially carrying my whole life on my back.

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next let’s move on to my little home. it is a big agnes copper spur ul-1. i scouted it at pct days in cascade locks last summer. i climbed in and out of all kinds of shelters on demo. for me this tent has a really good living space to weight to price ratio. i watched for deals and sales and rei eventually had a great sale on all big agnes products, so i cashed in my rei dividend and picked one up last summer. it may look familiar because its test run was to the wallowas and central oregon hot springs. the reason i like this tent really involves the weight and living space. i did decide to get the ground cloth that goes with it vs. getting a piece of tyvak because i do like the idea of pitching it with just the fly, which i have done a couple of times when in need of some quick shelter from the wind and rain. i could also imagine using this set up if i needed to creat some shade since i can still get some good air flow to stay cool. i could also see myself using this quick set up where i wanted to go fast and light, where mosquitos won’t be an issue.

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i should say that i had and have some prickles about buying from big agnes this time around. they have always been a great company. their products are made in steamboat springs, colorado. they make high quality gear that is pricy but not completely out of range for an average adventurer. however, there is a cultural shift in the outdoor world that is annoying to me, and totally shouldn’t be. so on the side panel pockets where i usually store my glasses, headlamp, watch and such, they have added a place to run an earphone line so that you can store your device and listen to music, podcast, show…whatever. i know i shouldn’t be bothered by this, but i kind of am. i am trying to get away from all that, so why build in a way to stay connected? also, big agnes has started this mountain glow series where they add led lights to the tents and have linked up with goal zero (which i do use) to charge them via. i don’t know, i guess this is just too much for me – technology in the outdoors wise. people already use too bright of headlamps and blind me when i am out at night wondering around looking at the stars, why all the extra light? i know i should get over it. if it helps get more people out to fall in love with wilderness, great. i reckon i am just becoming a cantankerous old fart.

now, there are two things i am really excited about adding to my quiver of a good nights sleep. first, my sleeping pad. i have experimented with so many pads and up until now, i have stuck with thermolite self-inflating pads. i tried to use some of the ultra-lite like their neoair and another by nemo, all really good products, but not so much for me. so while at the same pct days i met the folks from klymit. they were super nice. they had several of their pads out to test. i had read about some of their lightweight pads that seemed kind of torturous in pics, but once i laid out on the static v, i was so happy! i can finally sleep on my side and not feel my pelvic bone get friendly with whatever rock i missed in clearing my sleeping space. on top of all that, it isn’t set up high where i feel like i am going to roll off, which i am prone to do whether its a bed or a sleeping pad. so when they told me i could get one for 1/2 price that day, i went for it. that night i rolled up my 3/4 thermarest i’d been using for years and blew this one up. it really did only take 15-20 breaths (even after a visit to the beer garden). and i slept great!

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some things i’ve learned using this now, is that less is more. i do like this pad better when not completely filled with air. also, the side rails do really work for me. so far i have not rolled off the pad unless i did so on purpose to cool my legs down on a hot night or during a particularly invasive hot flash. sure i can’t just throw it in my tent and let it self inflate while i do other chores around camp, but the good nights sleep i receive is worth it. oh, and i did get the insulated one which did pay off while in the high country a couple of times in test trips where the temp dropped into the teens and i was using 30 or 40 degree sleeping bag at the time.

now for the piece of equipment i am truly excited about, my new sleeping quilt. that is right, i made the switch from a bag to a quilt. i wasn’t sure if it was gong to be right for me at first, so i went to rei and bought and returned a couple different bags. i tested out some other bags at various gear shops and events. however, i am such a tosser and a turner, that i am never really comfortable in a sleeping bag. in addition, i prefer to sleep on my side or stomach, and bags just get all twisted up and the hood on the mummy bags have almost suffocated me a few times. however, most quilts are down filled and i just can not bring myself to do that. enter enlightened equipment! they are based (and made to order) in minnesota. so i got to pick out the colors, temperature rating, and insulation of my quilt. and to be honest, i tried to use some woman’s specific sleeping bags, but really? do they all have to be pink or pastel, or glow-worm green; so getting to pic the color was a huge plus for me.

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anyway, the quilts are super versatile. there is one small zipper at the foot box, so the quilt can be closed around the lower parts of the legs, or fully open…like a quilt or blanket you use at home. also, the foot box has a drawstring enclosure so you can still have it closed around the legs to hold in the warmth, but you can easily stick your feet out the end. this came in super handy on cold nights where i was so tired and wanted to cozy in, but my feet where on fire from the day’s walking and trying to heal the blisters. i spend many nights wrapped up, but with my feet dangling out.

another feature of this quilt is the sleeping pad straps. so there are two of them, one towards the bottom and one towards the top. the one on the bottom is great for just keeping the quilt in place. the top one i use on really cold nights when i want to make sure that i hold in all the body heat possible. mostly, so far, i don’t use the top one much except on the coldest of nights. the advantage of this system is the versatility. i don’t need a summer bag and a winter bag (well unless i go super high late/early in the season). this quilt is super comfortable regardless of what is happening temperature wise.

more pluses….it is so light! when it came in the mail, i thought the box was empty! it is easy to pack up… i just really like this sleeping situation. it is so nice to not feel like i am wrestling my way to get some rest and recovery. the only thing i am still trying to work out is sleeping directly on my pad. i don’t really like it that much. i currently use my sleeping bag liner that is stretchy, but i am looking at some of the pad covers, but some of them are made out of the silnylon too, so i don’t know. i like my liner, so i’ll probably just stick with it, but some quilt designers are recognizing this is an issue for some. mostly this is only an issue if i want to sleep naked, which i don’t do much because of night sweats and hot flashes.

the other major piece of equipment that i replaced was my cooking system. i’ve used my trusty msr pocket rocket and gsi minimalist system for so long, at least 8 years that i wasn’t even thinking of replacing it…that is until one of the folks at next adventure suggested the evernew cook system. the appalachian series is so light i can’t believe it, however what really sold me on it is that i can use alcohol, fuel tablets, or wood for fuel! so that means that i can mostly scavage small twigs and drift wood (almost always dry and ready to burn) for free! so much less fuel to carry and buy! i still have some fuel tablets from the little stove i used on the jmt a few years ago when i didn’t really cook much on that trail. i bought a little alcohol fuel for emergencies, which i did need a few (ok several) times on the rainy coast. but for the most part, if i thought ahead and picked up sticks through out the day, i could store them in places where they might be able to dry out enough to make dinner.

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i did go to antigravity gear and got their appalachian kitchen upgrade. mostly this involves a couple of cozys for soaking and post-cooking simmering, a little ring that goes under the alcohol stove for increasing its already efficient efficiency, and a container to soak your dried food while you are walking so that the cooking times are quicker, thereby using less fuel. it is a great system and i am enjoying the learning curve involved in figuring out this whole new way of cooking. and if i am too tired at the end of a day to work all this out, i just boil some water and make miso soup, tossing in some crumbled soy curls and dried veggies and nutritional yeast for a quick dinner.

the only thing i think i will change is maybe a bigger pot. the pot it comes with, 500 ml, is perfect for most meals, but if i want to cook up some pasta, or saute some veggies first, i think a little bigger pot might be nice, especially in the morning. this is the time i actually really like to use the stove most. i like to boil water for a hot beverage whether it is for coffee or tea, and then a warm breakfast on a cold mountain morning really helps warm the muscles and spirits for a day’s adventure.

shoes. so i was really trying to only get gear that was made as locally as possible. not just designed, but manufactured and made by people as close to me as i could find (and afford), and that pay people doing that work a wage that supports them beyond just getting by. the gear wasn’t too difficult, but clothing and shoes is a whole different issue. then one day i discovered carson footware. these are minimalist trail running shoes that are designed and sewn in portland oregon! so i called them up and asked if i could come down and check them out before ordering on-line. i was able to bike (also it is right off the max line, so it is easy to get to) out there. the woman who greeted me and helped me find the right size (their sizing philosophy is the most consistent i have ever found in shoes) and style, was also the person who sewed my shoes! in fact shoes were being sewn by another person while we talked. when i went and picked them up about 10 days later i got to meet the owner. he was great! i explained what i was trying to do and he was so supportive.

sliding into these shoes is like putting on a nice pair of slippers. they stretch and form to my feet even on long days where my feet really swell up. they dry quickly and are fairly breathable. the traction is fantastic. i didn’t slide once, even where the mud and landslides were happening all around me. i’ve read that they have just added a soul with even more traction. there isn’t really much padding, so if you need that, this isn’t your shoe. however, if you like zero drop and having solid contact with the ground….go get ’em!

i did get a goal zero charging system (thank you to my aunts who gifted me this in support of this venture). it has been great. i charge my phone, my headlamp (a petzel), ipod, and tablet with it. in fact i still use it even though i am in an apartment. i put it out and charge up the venture 30 and then use it all week to charge up my phone and headlamp (which i use as my main headlamp while biking around at night in ashland) also, for reading at night at home instead of turning on a lamp. there is just something comfortable about using a headlamp. maybe it is the red light that i use most often.

so i think that is it for most of the big switches in gear acquired. some other choices i made? i decided against a gps system. so much money upfront and additional investment in digital maps and batteries or charging time, and subscriptions to satellite use. yet, i did get an abc watch. it measures the barometric levels, altitude, and has a digital compass. this one also informs me of the tides; in addition it keeps track the moon phases (which helps even more with understanding the tides), alarms, stopwatch and timers, temperature sensor and some other things that i don’t understand. the barometric reading and patterns have come in really handy in reading when storms are moving in and out. it is also helping me develop some internal understanding of weather patterns. the compass is great for setting bearings and following a route, but really, on the coast…not much needed there. also, the external ring of the casio pro trek is a solar charger, so i don’t even have to plug it into anything nor change any batteries. i just have to make sure that every-once-in-awhile it is exposed to light.

but i digress a little for not getting a gps unit is that “they” still suggest having paper maps just in case of tech failures. plus, i have a phone with gps that shows me where i am even if i don’t have cell reception (a fun note: while on the coast it often pinpointed me as being actually deep in the ocean hahaha). if i end up getting super remote and alone i will consider getting a spot locator that will send help when needed. then i won’t have to deal with satellite subscriptions and all that. there are so many apps for smart phones now, that i don’t know how long gps units will be helpful for folks not going way off the beaten path. also…i really like maps. i love to pour over them and see what is where and what all the options are. for example, if i hadn’t had other maps while doing the jmt, i would have never found the hot springs that were just a short detour off the trail. why? because they are not on the official route. so mix and match. and have fun.

i still have not replaced my water filter system. i enjoy pumping water. i don’t like the chemical taste of treatment drops or tablets, and i don’t trust the pens. the gravity bags coming out and micro filters that are being developed are probably great, but my good old fashion katadyn has never let me down. i do keep a bottle of gse drops incase i am felling unwell, or i feel that the water may not be the best even after a filter, but i have only ever used the drops when i fee like i am getting sick…like catching a cold. i have had this pump for like 20 years and it has never ever let me down. sometimes i let it down. like when i left it out one night and the water left in it froze. and really pumping my water is a kind of meditative activity where i get to know my water source and those around it better. i really like pumping water as the sun is setting or rising. water sources are so busy during these times.

what else? most of my pics are either from my phone or a canon powershot sx160 is. i’d like to upgrade to a really nice digital slr, but that is going to have to wait until i get famous. so get use to this camera. its great. i have been using canon cameras since i was in high schools, so over 30 years, and they have always done what i envisioned.

you already know i use the pstyle as a standup urinary tool. prior to menopause, i used the diva cup for menstruation in and out of the woods. i don’t use a trowel for digging a cat hole. i either use a tent stake that i keep in the carrying case of the pstyle or a stick i find lying around. it isn’t hard to determine how deep 6 inches is once you get use to it. but also, i try to dig a little deeper hole just to be sure. i don’t use t.p. i have been working on some other techniques. some involve using smooth rock that i collect through the day, rub clean and then leave in the cat hole. i have also used a special water bottle to create a kind of outdoor bidet, which in nice and clean feeling. but i feel like these issues are super personal. there is no right way, but there are certainly some wrong ways. so study up on leave no trace principles and find a way that works for you.

if you have questions of other things i may or may not be using and why or why not, let me know. i’m not much of a gear head, but i do like learning new skills and how to use different tools. it is fun to develop the best tool to take out into the world, and that is the good ol brain. learning to adapt to different resources and situations and how to use what is handy and available to make things even more enjoyable without inflicting more human interference is a wonderful skill to continue to develop. i look forward to pushing myself even more in this area.

 

i am going to go for a walk

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i’ve always wondered how it felt, those  people who have always known  what they wanted to do when they grew up.  i have never known that feeling. the closest i have ever gotten to that was when i would go out to where i could see the huge horizon of kansas and just want to start walking. that is almost all i ever want to do actually is walk. i love riding my bike. i’ve enjoyed skateboarding, scooters, motorcycles, cars and trucks. i also really enjoy sitting, laying down, running (sometimes)… but the one thing you can almost always get me to do anytime, anywhere, is go for a walk. a short walk. a long walk. walk to a cup of coffee. walk to dinner. an after dinner walk. doesn’t matter. i just love to walk. and then sometime in june, it hit me, when i grow up i am supposed to walk.

but when should i start? it’s not like i have a date to register for the fall term or something. and i will need to prepare, and rid myself of a few possessions. so sometime after i turn 50 (jan of 2018), when i feel that the weather will be mostly in my favor, i will put on my pack and start walking around the country. not across on the roads most people take, but around and through on the trail systems. sure i’ll have to use real roads sometimes for resupply and see friends and share beers…[this timeline has been moved up to may/june of 2017 see why wait for more information]

i think my plan will most likely take me 5 years or more, but i am going to start with a two-year plan. i don’t want to be in a rush. i want to stop and really get to know an area when i feel like it. i don’t want to  have to make a certain set mileage to achieve every day… of course weather and winter will come into play and i’m still trying to figure that one out. maybe i’ll try to be in the south by the time the cold hits, or maybe hole up in a ski town and work for the season before heading back out. we’ll see how things go and which directions i feel like going in.

i do have some basic ideas on routes i want to take and how i want to do them. i have a giant map on our wall with outlines of where some major thru hikes run and seeing where some of the big ones connect. i will probably start marking where the co-ops are in relation to the trails and work on how to get food when i’m out and about.

one big thought i’ve had is that i want to work with smaller cottage companies that make gear in the regions i’ll be exploring that season. i figure i’ll be going through things since i’ll be living in a tent, sleeping bag and out of a back pack. so maybe i can work with some companies doing good work and interesting designs…and shoes.

i also need to get back in shape, learn some new skills, talk to people about good medicine to have on hand, how i want to share these adventures, what kind of technology will i need, how will i get maps (are there map exchanges), and food.

so i have a year and a half to prepare, a little more actually, but anytime after jan 2018 it could begin. so i will be keeping people updated on my progress, things i learn, epic failures as i learn is inevitable, and i will spend this time getting rid of pretty much everything in my life.

i am kicking around the idea of some kind of social funding project. some folks have already asked how they can help facilitate this venture, but i would like to also be creative in this area. i would very much like people to join me for a bit somewhere… buy me a beer and walk with me for a couple of days… send me your favorite vegan trail food when i am in the next town, or just contribute some bucks to keep me going. i figure i will have to stop and work from time to time, but hopefully not that first year or two. also, maybe i can make a few buck with the telling of some stories… we’ll see. i’ve got some time to figure it out, and then so much will be changed and shifted i’m sure as i go along.

there are many thoughts that have come up for me since i starting thinking about this and talking to people about it, and i hope to be writing about them more. like why i love being outside, and how much i love to explore places and get to know the people who know those places. and as i was thinking and talking and reading, i came across a chapter in the book Children of the Days by Eduardo Galeano (one of my super favorite poetic historians). the story is called The Pleasure of Going. it is set in 1887 in Salta and tells of “Juan Carlos Dàvalos, founder of a dynasty of musicians and poets.” the story goes like this:

…he was the first to drive a Model T, the “Ford with a moustache,” in those parts of northern Argentina.

His Model T snorted and smoked as its wheels rolled forward.

It moseyed down the road. Turtles stopped to wait for it.

A neighbor came up to him, greeted him with a worried face, commented, “But Mr. Dàvalos…at this pace, you’ll never get there.”

The driver responded, “I don’t travel to get. I travel to go”

and so shall i.

Clackamas again

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i don’t know why i started this hike thinking of death and dying and my own mortality. maybe it has something to do with trying to plan some challenging hikes out in the gorge. i really wanted to go up table mountain or mt. hamilton. but i just couldn’t  bring myself out to the gorge. in fact, i am often talking myself out of hikes in our spectacular columbia river gorge.

not all hikes are created equally. sometimes i go out for a solid workout. to get high on the adrenaline. to see if i can summit a 14,000 + pass or peak. to connect with nature, or some force. to see wildlife. to feel something besides my everyday stuff. to breathe clean air and drink clean water. to have a nice chat with a friend…. or an ancestor no longer of this world. today i was going out searching for some guidance, some logistics to my life that has few logistics… you know, kinda like getting my bearings and triangulating my inner compass. i’m not so much feeling lost as excited about what’s next.

so, as i considered some of the hikes on my list, i looked down the gorge and my initial thought was i can’t go down the columbia river. its a dead river. damn me!(pun intended) it is not a dead river. its close to being on life support, but its not dead. its in an abusive relationship with humans and it needs to escape. if i am going out searching for something, i can not go down the columbia; i leave sad, much like going to a zoo. the river is being held captive with damns and river barges and recreational water transportation devises. i’ll go when i can feed it; give to it. when friends are visiting and want to see waterfalls that define beauty and grandeur, or local friends want to go on a quick and wonderful get away. however, when i get a day to get out and be in the woods, to pick an adventure that inspires and guides me, i am more likely to choose the clackamas river or the salmon river or the sandy river…. i go up towards the mountain.

so this day, i went back to my go-to trail, the clackamas river trail, but i decided to start it from the end. so i meandered my way back into the woods and parked. changed into the “get wet get muddy cloths”. i was the only vehicle in the lot until a forest service truck pulled in. when they got out of their truck we had a little chat about how wonderful the day was to be working or walking. they told me they had cleared the trail just a couple of weeks ago, but couldn’t guarantee that it was still clear. its been windy and supposedly winter after all. i responded with something about the risks one takes when hiking in february. they nodded as we wished one another fun adventures… me with my little day pack and them with their ginormous chainsaw!

as i started out, my mind just cleared as i took in the day: the sound of the river below, the wind in the trees, the birds giving warning of an approaching human, the smell of forest, the shades of green and brown…. senses are on… lets walk.

it didn’t take long for me to get to the heart of what has been on my mind. i’m deep in the heart of menopause. i’m actually excited about this transition. being raised in amerika, i’ve been told how horrible it is to age, to grow old, that its not for the faint of heart…. blahblahblah! that is bullshit! this moment is for the adventurous! it is for those that don’t buy into any of that crap that our best years are behind us. that from now on it’s just pain and loss of dignity. agian. bullshit!

maybe i got super lucky. when i was young, my mom was in nursing school and took classes on death and dying. i learned about living wills probably before i knew what a regular who gets what when will. i knew that there were ways of dying that held the wishes of the person going through the process instead of the fears of the family members and friends feeling left behind. i haven’t been afraid of dying for as long as i can remember. i am afraid of being in an institution of any kind. in fact sometimes a university setting scares me almost as much as a church, hospital, mental health ward, etc, these days.

don’t misunderstand. i am not anxious to die. i am not suicidal. i am not excited to experience great amounts of pain, i don’t really want to drown or be burned alive. but being eaten by a bear or other animal doesn’t seem so bad, again, except for the pain… maybe i get knocked unconscious first. its no mistake i live in a right to die state (though i am confused on why this even needs to be a thing… don’t we all have as much of a right to die as we do to live? capitalism continues to confuse me)

so these are my thoughts as i enter this amazing forest and see these amazing little sprouts of dug fir trees growing out of stumps of old ones (death giving life), as i have to duck under the first fallen tree i come to.

then i circle back to my thoughts on menopause and what a great adventure it has been for me so far. well ok. not all of it has been great.

maybe 4 years ago, i realized i was in the periamenapuase stage. my emotions were all over the place. i was verbally fighting with the person i was dating at the time (i don’t typically fight in any fashion… usually just walk away), my energy was all kinds of erratic. i couldn’t sleep. i was a mess. i went to a naturopath who took some blood work (gave me a snoopy band-aid, yay), and we figured out what was going on. sweet! i had some answers and we had a game plan. i took a compound progesterone for 2 months to balance stuff out, a b-complex, iron, and adrenal support for being stressed the fuck out (i wasn’t the only one being emotional and challenging)!

about a year ago, i transitioned into full on menopause. hot flashes, missing periods (ok i don’t really miss them that much when they go away for several months at a time), changes in how much i bleed and the viscosity of it, my sleep patterns, my fluid levels of all kind, libido, and emotions (yes, it seems that i do have them from time to time). now, going into this moment of my life, i am channeling my grandmother. i can remember sitting in the living room, listening to my aunts complain about menopause, comparing what drugs they were taking and how horrible it was for them. my grandma walks through, and says something like, “i don’t know what you all are complaining about, in my day we just went through it.” there she was, true to form and to the point. its just another fact of life, and we just get through it…. kinda like puberty. a horribly awkward and embarrassing time, but  many of us got through it.

now i know it is different for everyone. my cycles were always fairly painless, quick, and easy compared to some people i know, and menopause hasn’t been that different for me. hot flashes? so far they don’t really last that long for me; 45 seconds? maybe a minute? sure i can feel it coming from the inside out, i break into a sweat, i kick all my covers off or unzip my hoodie, roll up my sleeves… then its over and slowly i do it all in reverse, or if i’m sleeping i get the sudden chill of a breeze on my sweaty back and quickly cover back up and the house cat is deeply confused. if i am sleeping with someone else, well the heat and sweat can be a plus or a challenge. i’ve also always run a little warm; maybe i’m just use to it.

so, i don’t feel any need to control these with pharmaceuticals. i cut back on how much coffee i drink, but only a little. i only drink it at like brunch or going out specifically for coffee. i don’t really drink it at home (unless it’s a brunch pot-luck). alcohol doesn’t seem to affect me too much in this realm so i haven’t changed that much.

my sleep patterns have always been erratic, so this is just something i keep an eye on anyway. if i need to stay up and ride the wave, i do it. if i need to call it a night early i do that too. up early? ok, here we go. its just about going with whatever i seem to need to do in the moment. it can be complicated if i am not the only one in the same bed, or working nights, but hey, i don’t really have to work that late, so really…. just pay attention and roll with it. i do wonder, and believe, that being vegan helps a great deal (as does being a physically active vegan). i don’t eat extra hormones that are in animal products. i don’t consume extra estrogen that throws things out of whack. of all the people i personally know going through this transition,i am the only vegan, and i am also have the easiest time of it. for at least 20 years, there is no extra estrogen built up in my fat cells… maybe i’ll talk about this more in a separate post. as for being active, i don’t belong to a gym. i bike for transportation, my job is physical, i go for an occasional run, and i love to walk around the city. being physically active does not have to mean hitting the gym 5 times a week. just keep moving and breathing heavy.

sex. that is a question i get asked a lot but not in so many words. do i have a favorite lube for dryness? how do i feed my libido. ok, well. i have always (ok not always, but as long as i have allowed myself, or more to the point, have fought for myself, the pleasure of embracing my sexual appetit) had a fairly healthy libido. i like sex. i like good healthy sex with other people who also like good healthy sex. i long ago stopped feeling bad about the number of sexual partners i’ve had, though people have tried to shame me for this. anyway, this isn’t about the past, it’s about the present. and the libido is as strong as ever, maybe stronger. as for lube, a nice water-base, vegan/no animal testing, maybe some aloe added… use what works for you. go to she bop, smitten kitten, etc. experiment with self or others.

we live in a culture that puts so many constraints on women. as women get older, there are even more ideas about what they are capable of. maybe they could run for president, or be on the supreme court… cool. but they are not sexual. not sexy. not adventurous. not physically active. not creative. i’m calling it… bullshit!

so as i walk next to this roaring winter river, full of life and death. full of clean water that i will drink when i stop. full of colors that fill my vision with ideas. full of these little birds that dive down deep and swim to feed and bathe. full of my feet feeling the smooth pebbles and rocks. i’m captured by the idea that we are what we need to be when we need to be where we need to be…. rivers are as wide as they need to be or as narrow to make it to their destination. they speed up or slow down as needed. deep or shallow. rolling waves that crash and break down boulders or lap gently at the sandy shore. there are times we need to roar, times to whisper, times to be silent. times to spin around in circles, times to spill over the banks, and times to dry up and go underground. but we never lose our life-giving ability to nourish and nurture.

i eventually stopped, had a happy hour snack on a boulder in the river. thought some thoughts. i even thought how nice it would be to have someone next to me who, well lets just say it would have been nice to explore someone’s deeper nature. see, even when i really lust after my alone time, i still acknowledge and celebrate wanting to share these moments with others.

as i walked back, i climbed over a fallen tree. walked under another, but the third was freshly cut. i walked right through the new passage with the dust of the tree mixed into the trail and the middle piece pushed down the way and rolled to the side. still visible still a part of the environment but just with a different perspective and slightly removed. i can relate.