relationships – Page 5 – queer vegan adventures

thanks scientology…i’m feeling much better about myself now!

October 4, 2017October 4, 2017Tagged adventure, adventures, biking, california, climate, midlife crisis, queer, relationships, scientology, veganLeave a comment

in a psychology class i took in high school, my teacher (who was also my basketball coach) called me out in the middle of class one day as the one least likely to join a cult. the cool kids in class, who each thought they would be named, were trying to figure out who i was. i was the board one in the back doodling. i was actually surprised too. i didn’t know coach thought of me in that way. we had our battles, especially when i wouldn’t play his bribing games to get us to do certain things, and in fact, with me they had the opposite effect. my least favorite thing in the world (probably) is to feel manipulated.

anyway, we had a couple of people from this odd little college come talk to our class about their background and beliefs. the school was mired with secrecy and myths. we were told it was a dangerous cult that posted guards to protect the snowmen in the winter. we were told it was some kind of strange religious cult. people had all kinds of ideas that guns and other odd objects were on their list of things all students had to get.

i often walked by this school for some reason. maybe going to and from my grandparents’ house? they had a pretty landscape with lots of trees and old buildings. i like walking across old campuses. the school had been a couple different colleges at different times. anyway, i never really believed the stories. mostly because i had actually talked to some of the students. at the least we smiled and waved to one another.

so anyway, after the two students left, some of the cool kids still wanted to laugh and make fun of them….they were always spoiled little assholes and probably still are. and that is when coach made the announcement. i don’t know why i remember it so strongly. i mean its been over 30 years, but it came rushing back to me a couple of days ago when i got ambushed by the scientology compound in L.A.

as i walk walking down the street to go to a bookstore i was told real life queer people go to, i noticed their giant building….i mean its huge and very blue! and i was like, right! hollywood and scientology. then i came to this intersection and a woman stopped me and said, hey want a free personality test. no, i like my personality just fine. and she pushed and said the magic words, aren’t you curious? well, yes, i am. so i went.

and she took me to that big blue building. it was sooo creepy. and everyone looked like they worked in a mid-nice hotel – black slacks, white shirts, black vest, and name tags.

she took me to this room where i met someone who told be there would be 3 tests (alarms went up), but i sat down to take the first test. i finished it quickly…by the way, standardized test where you only have 3 answers (yes, middle, no) is very manipulative. when i finished, the woman was right over with the next test before i could even stand up….more creepy. this one was going to be an i.q. test that was going to take 30 minutes. nonononono. i do not have the time for this. she said why not what do you have to do? i have to meet my friends. well when? what time? so i made some shit up.

then there was this, here hold these two silver things, and i got more nervous. a couple minutes later the original woman from the street corner came back to give me my results. naturally it showed that i am a mess. that i am depressed and unhappy and really fucked up, but scientology has all these classes that can help me find my purpose and direction. for every thing i said, she responded with i understand that, but….

finally, maybe 5 minutes of this, i had enough! i said i’m sorry, i’m not going to continue this line of questioning. i have to go now. she got defensive and asked what she said that upset me. i went into the failings of standardized tests and then just stopped. she didn’t care. she was trying to get me to stay, so i just stood up and walked out.

as i entered the lobby, without an escort, i saw all the eyes turn to me. this was the first time i kind of actually felt afraid on this trip. what if they locked the doors on me? what if they called security? what if i can’t get out?!

i didn’t stop until i was well down the street, and then i let myself get pissed! i was pissed off! first at myself for having wasted a half hour at this crack-pot place. then the longer i walked the anger turned to laughter. turns out the joke is on them.

as i reflected on what happened and why i answered the way i did and why they feel like my answers were causing me to have an unhappy life, i realized i am doing ok.

yes, i am having a mid-life/what the hell am i doing with my life crisis, but at least i am letting myself have it. in fact, i have given myself permission to go out into the world and figure it out. i don’t have to buy a fancy sports car. i don’t have to try to prove that i am still as young as i want the world to see me. i just want to find a way to live in this world with my values in tact and experience all the experiences that come my way.

so thanks scientology! thanks coach! thanks world of infinite possibilities!

grief follow up

October 1, 2017September 29, 2017Tagged adventures, biking, climate, grief, queer, relationships, vegan1 Comment

so have been trying to sort out the grief that was coming up for me in ashland with all the fires and life stuff.

for sure some of that grief is stuff that i have just pushed down while i am figuring out other things in my life. things that needed to wait until i had the space to face it and have a good talk with myself or a good pal.

some of it is that life is not what i thought it would be and i don’t know how to be in this world. i’m ok when i just take it moment to moment, but when i look up and out….i can’t handle it! i don’t know what to do. and that is where i get stuck.

however, some of it is old grief. you know things i thought i had dealt with and made amends and found some place to be grateful for the lessons, or if it was heartbreak gratitude for the love i had recieved…usually it has been more about grateful for more lessons on how to love more deeply and completely!

so i wonder…

is grief a lot like forgiveness?

you know like the way forgiveness is talked about in buddhism? where you feel like you have dealt with it, and then out of nowhere, it reals up and bites everyone around?

i think it is.

i think grief and forgiveness and probably so many other emotions/feelings do this. and i’m finding that each time one of them comes up i learn more about the experience – i’m able to go a little deeper into whatever needs more examination. like yoga, the more i practice the deeper into a pose i can go.

i still can’t believe that i am taking this time…i’m accepting this time as a huge gift to just be! to learn about myself and those around me with the distractions of…well with different distractions.

as the world is erupting around me and there seems so many reason to out right hate what is happening, i am meeting people who give me some solace that not all is lost. i’m reminded that people are good and governments suck. i know i can’t fix the world, but i can make each moment as posi as possible!

Big Sur and More

September 23, 2017September 23, 2017Tagged # whales, adventure, adventures, backpacking, bike, bike touring, biking, california, california coast, climate, climate change, hiking, otters, pacific coast, pacific ocean, queer, relationships, running, sea lions, vegan2 Comments

so i finally pulled out of monterey after a long and much-needed chat with a good pal! its nice to know that i’m not the only one in my close crew that is potentially going through some kind of mid-life crises – aka what the heck am i doing with my life?! and its much deeper than that of course. when you don’t hold the standard american values, i find it difficult to know if i’m doing ok…and trying to figure out what i am supposed to contribute to this world is a whole other question…. i will keep playing with these questions for some time, but for know…wow! what an amazing 10 days or so i’ve had.

so yup, finally left monterey, what a beautiful ride down the coast! i mean geez! remember that monerey bay is a marine sanctuary! so while i was chatting with my pal, i was watching harbor seals play in the bay…as well as all kinds of birds and such. so yup i headed on around the bay and just kept being amazed!

my main stop for this day was point lobos state natural reserve. it was one of the places recommended to me, and it did not disappoint! at one of the points one of the park volunteers had a telescope where we could see the otters sleeping all wrapped up in kelp, and in the distance we could see and hear the sea lions. however, as i walked around the point, i found a closer spot where i watched several of the ottors playing (?) it was just spectacular. there is also this RED moss that grows on the trees here, it’s actually kind of rare and is dependent on really clean air and water (remember sanctuary). it was fascinating to see on the unique cypress trees there as well as on some of the granite as well. supposedly this only grows in a few places around the world.

i was tempted to hide out for while and gorilla camp here after the rangers left, but i didn’t think i had that much further to go to a h/b camp, so i kept cranking the wheels. and its true, i didn’t have that far to go, but i did have a great deal of up hill to contend with and didn’t roll into pfeiffer state park until after the sun went down….but i have to say the sunset along this intense ride was fantastic! i just couldn’t stop moving and take any pics, but geez those hills just would not end!

i rolled into camp and ate the shit out of a bag of chips and drank a beer that i hauled all the way from the brewery in monterey! i was so hunger and so tired! and i passed the heck out! i ended up spending 3 nights in this park trying to figure out if i was going to do the walk around or bike back out and around. i had heard that the walk around the bridge that is out was only like 15 minutes or so. i’d also seen a shuttle service, but i didn’t know about bikes, so i did the few hikes open and available in the park and enjoyed catching up on some calories (i ate quinoa and a whole can of beans each night!). i was also kind of sorting some things out. i’ve set up a way to do daily writings and meditation and stretching. it’s really clearing some webs out of the old noggin! its funny, i didn’t really talk to many people while here. a few on the trails, but so many people kept to themselves. except for the nice couple from queensland australia who are spending 3 months hitchhiking the united states. they were super nice! i hope they have a wonderful visit.

the best part of this time was sleeping right under the redwoods! it was magical. the worst part was how loud people were. so many people played music from their phones on speakers and talked loud and just genuinely took up a great deal of space….well i should say the american visitors. people i met from other countries, not so much.

so then there was the adventure of getting out and continuing south! i found the trail. it went straight up! with lots of wooden/dirt stairs! i don’t know how heavy my loaded bike is, but it was a solid test of stregnth…and new found curse words. and for some reason, as i was trying to heave my bike up a step, some older white man would decide this was a great time to ask me where i was going/from….ugh. when i got to the store at the top of the climb i had my first soda in a long time! and a bag of chips! and a cliff bar! and headed on down the road!

i’ve decided to try to stop riding around 3 each day so that i can enjoy where ever i am staying, because….why am i doing this? not to log miles for sure! so i rolled into kirk creek campground! what a wonderful hiker/biker camp set up! out-of-the-way, but not under the highway! access to the beach, but the view! holy crap! it was amazing!

as soon as i got set up, i set off to find the beach. as i came up out of the h/b site, i met a woman and her daughter. what a delight! they were waiting for their friend and young son to come back from taking a tour up the coast a little more, but while i was exploring the beach, i saw that they had decided to come on down too! it was soooo soooo nice! the daughter is 18 months old and so independent. we sat next to the pools and tossed rocks together. the woman is from quebec but had recently moved to san mateo. she and her friend have known each other for 20 years or so and the friend was visiting for a couple of weeks. we had wonderful conversations.

i was kind of feeling a nap and snack need so we headed back up to our camps, but before i could reach mine, i ran into this couple in one of these camping vans you can rent. it was decorated in such a way that i had noticed it a few days before so i asked them if that was them. it’s a pretty cool set up. anyway, they are also awesome! they are from sydney and on their honeymoon! and they like beer too! so after we had been talking for a minute, they offered me a beer (yes! thank-you), and we just kept talking and talking, and drinking. eventually the ranger came by (who is hilarious) and suggested they move to this other spot that has a better view and had just opened up.

so they moved, i ate, and we re-gathered for the sunset. and the night went like this to the very end. every time i moved i got to stop and spend some time with both beautiful groups of friends who shared so much with me. i need to find something that i can carry and exchange for such hospitality….this night chocolate seemed to work nicely.

one funny story, when i was camping in crappy place in monterey, a raccoon situation happened, not pretty and kept everyone up all night. well here, they also have raccoons, but my new friends from sydney had never really seen one up close, so tried to bait one close to us with marshmellows. one, we believe it’s the one the camp calls gordo, went for the chocolate bar i had set down. it was fun to watch the whole scene play out.

from here it is just a few miles down the road to gorda….and a massive land slide! and i mean massive. i didn’t know that this one didn’t have a detour or a round about, but as i sat in the sun trying to decide what to do (go back to kirk creek and pick up the road over the mountains and to the 101, or wait until 6:30 when all the workers leave and then walk through it. i was told, by john (a guy who has worked at this place for 26 years and so friendly), that bikers have walking through it at night and that it was only between 1/4 and 1/2 mile. i figured that was doable. so as i sat there for a while and ate some snacks, and chatted john up a storm, his boss came by. “you waiting to walk through this slide?” yeeeees?! “well put your bike in the back of my truck and i’ll take you across.” wait what? i don’t have to keep sitting here for another 4 hours? and john is just standing behind him nodding his head. ok! john helps me load up the bike and makes sure that i have enough food and water (he had already given me a banana and a deal on my treats). and i sat next to the 3rd dog i’ve met called chico…eventually chico ended up in my lap! lucky me!

as we moved though this work zone, i can’t believe i was going to try to walk this! holy shit! for real! the road was super rough dirt road that these huge earth mover trucks are using to get new ginormous boulder into the area to rebuild some kind of foundation to rebuild the land! and it goes down down down and then up up up! when i was dropped off (1/2 way up the giant hill) he suggested that if any one asks how i got around, i didn’t, i came up and camped and am headed back down…and that is exactly how i responded when i finally (seriously this was a serious hill…but i rode the whole way! with lots of stops). got to the final flagger. i pulled over to this trail head for salmon creek and took a breather. as i pulled in a truck pulled in behind me and asked how i got through. i said i didn’t. i camped up the road and am now headed back the other way. he said oh ok. we were wondering if you had found some other road or trail, and this was also a fine place to camp….so i did! and i reflected…wow! thank you thank you for that lift!

so here it is that i just camped out under the stars, no tent or anything. as the sun set, i laid there and watched the bats come out and the owl that sat on the top of a tree just above my head. i listened to the calls of the wild and the ocean and i enjoyed such solitude! it’s the first time i cowboy camped alone. somewhere deep in the night i suddenly couldn’t remember what i was supposed to do if attacked by a cougar! and then the jokes went through my mind….you older queers will know the jokes. then i watched the stars again! since the new moon and on isolated beaches…the stars are for real outstanding! but when i woke up…hungery hunger set in.

it was about 4 miles to rugged point, and i decided i could splurge on breakfast. i rolled into a super nice place! breakfast was all eggs and meat, so it was potatoes and toast on the patio…with a view and lots of coffee. the server was so amazing with all kinds of stories, and he added spinach to my spuds! i walked the property while the carbs digested and then started back down the road.

from here things get rolly (it was one hell of a hill from salmon creek to rugged point). i got a good groove and enjoyed the landscape. it was a big change from big sur for sure! things get super dry, but the ocean just keeps giving. at some point i came to an odd little place and there were lots of bikes! i hadn’t seen a cyclist for days! so i turned in and asked what was happening. turns out they were celebrating the opening of a new stretch of highway and bike lane. i chatted with some folks before heading out.

shortly thereafter was a turn off for a viewing of elephant seals! they were so fun to watch…and soooo big! geez! here i chatted with some guys from the uk that i had seen at breakfast. we had a nice chat about the changing climate and traveling. so many conversations actually and so many people from different parts of the world! and some more of the bikers from before stopping for pics and chats.

i had one more stop before camp and it was for a beer and check-ins. for the first time since monterey i had mobile service! so i sent off some messages and check-ins, did some instagraming, and a little beer….i was near the william randolf hearst castle….wow! what a goofball! so he had like the largest private zoo collection at some point and released the herd animals out on public land. soooo i passed a herd of zebras! yes zebras out amongst the cows. then the roosevelt elk…. i don’t know what else he had, but that is what i saw.

finally came san simean state park and a not so great h/b camp, but it did have beech access for the sunset. i took some time to catch up on reading and walking about. i forgot it was friday night, so the campsite filled up with kids and families and was kind of loud, but mostly it was the fact that the h/b sites were right below the highway! but once it got quiet, it was so quiet. at some point in the middle of the night i heard some distance coyotes.

today….today i s beautiful day. i hope to end up in morro bay state park just on the coast side of san luis obispo. its about from where i am writing this. and i am feeling pretty good! i know that some of the goodness is movement and sunshine and cool warmth. i know i have a great deal to deal with. i am heartbroken with the mudslides, the fires, hurricanes, the earthquakes, and all the beauty! i was brought to tears watching a butterfly play amongst some flowers at ragged point. yes, i have a great deal to figure out! one of those things is when am i going to take a shower again! but for now…this is such a beautiful world and i hope we find a way to limit how much we destroy by our consumption!

but today….today is so wonderful and i hope all these people driving up and down this road that will completely fall into the ocean at some point, know how magnificent this area is and take it home with them, and start treating their home as if it were like this…sacred and life-giving.

what’s next

September 18, 2017September 16, 2017Tagged adventure, adventures, bike, bike touring, biking, california, climate, climate change, gear, gender, hiking, microbrews, monterey, ocean, oregon, pacific ocean, queer, relationships, vegan3 Comments

so i have left ashland. it wasn’t an easy decision to stay or to go. it was a nice place to sort things out. good people. lots to explore. however, the jobs just don’t match the cost of living-as is true most places these days. also, there is something odd about ashland. it’s almost too perfect sometimes…in an uncomfortable way….like stepford wives as a city. i also had a hard time finding the queerdos.

so i started sorting out my options with the help of some pals that came and went from ashland all summer. i found a hella deal on a bike and transferred the gear in my backpack to bike panniers and a smaller backpack. my plan was to bike the sierra cascade route down to baja and then bike around there for the winter. then a family visit down the california coast changed that. so back to the pacific ocean it is. i still plan on making it to baja for the winter, but i will have to stop and work from time to time, so if you know anyone who needs some help with a project or two let me know! i’d love to meet some people and work side-by-side with them.

i haven’t had much time to make the emotional and mental switch from work to travel again. i finished work on sunday at 7am and by the afternoon had visitors. we met for dinner and then took off to crater lake the next day, and then to the redwoods and family in santa clara. the next day i was dropped off in santa cruz to start biking.

as i started peddling, i realized i didn’t really know what my destination was for the day. i rode to the boardwalk and looked up a direction and started riding. as i entered the monterey bay area i found some hiker-biker campsites and pulled into one early in the day and made a few adjustments to bike and self. i fell asleep super early.

when i woke up, i chatted with the folks that had rolled in that night and we shared some information. i took my time packing up trying some new ideas, pulled out google maps to pick the next location.

i spent the day riding through farm land….corporate farm land. actually i spent the night right next to del monte strawberries. i rode past cabbages, fruits, artichokes, people planting, tending, and harvesting. it was interesting to go by slowly and watch to see where there was drinking water available, shade, rest….working conditions. my afternoon snack came from a roadside produce stand where i had a fine chat with the woman who had just started this little organic market.

as i curved around the bay, i remembered the sylivia earle connection to monterey bay, so looked into heading in that direction. it was amazing to sleep along a bay that has been protected. the wildlife, the clean water, plants…. all of it has been so amazing. the night before i actually was woken by a screeching owl and some other birds having a conversation. it is a great contrast to super industrial shorelines.

as i entered a town outside of monterey i guy rolled up next to me who had just finished biking across the u.s. and offered me a place to stay when i got into monterey. that put part of mind to rest so that i could actually enjoy the ride even more. so that when i rolled into town i felt more open to explore a bike shop who refered me to a new brewery that had just opened up around the corner.

the tender at the brewery has worked at the state parks in the area and gave me some tips on places to stop/camp/visit. as i was wrapping things up here, i got word that my hosts were home from the beach, so i headed their way. i arrive in time for a shower and then dinner was ready! they were so super kind and wonderful! they had only been back from their bike tour for 10 days, and were only too happy to share the friendliness they had experienced on their trip. they were still asleep when i got up and headed out.

i was all prepared to go ahead and start my journey down the coast, but i just felt this urge to stick around monterey for the day. i needed to get some “work” done. i needed to finally sign up for warm showers (couch surfing for bike tour), check out fundage, and general life maintenance. i think once i finish up some of these things, and wrap up parts of my life that have been just hanging loose for a bit, i’ll feel better about pulling out-of-town tomorrow. i don’t mind all the unknowns, but there are some things that need to be taken care of and i think it could help with the feelings of being overwhelmed mixed with some depression and anxiety….not how i want to be riding down highway 1.

also, it is nice to be in stienbeck land, even though it is not the cannery row stienbeck knew/wrote about. what would doc think of all this?

burning down the grief

September 16, 2017September 16, 2017Tagged adventure, adventures, backpacking, bike, biking, climate, climate change, fires, gender, grief, hiking, oregon, queer, relationships, rivers, swimming, vegan, walking1 Comment

as the fires have been raging all around me for a solid month now, and more popping up, and the twist of reprieve with thunderstorms that bring lightning and potentially more fires, i wonder why is all this old grief coming up? i mean, my lungs hurt, my eyes burn, my throat is itchy. then i really started digging into my education in herbal medicine (thanks arctos herbal school and so many others) and tcm as i went to some community acupuncture here in ashland. and one day, i took a deep breath and almost sobbed with so much grief that i don’t even know, and i remembered, tcm…lungs….grief…

with all the fires, mostly i have been thinking about rejuvenation and regrowth; cleaning and clearing. there are so so many things we can only accomplish if it burns first….take rage…how often have i burned all the fear and hesitation to take action via rage? rage just burns it off and all i am left with is love and care at its most rare form.

maybe today’s youth won’t see an area in the type of vastness we have seen it, but they will get to watch the evolution of a forest in a rare and wonderful way, if “we” don’t interfere (inter-fear?) too much and fuck everything up. same holds true for all the storms wiping out entire communities. maybe they can take the lessons from greensburg and rebuild in a much more intentional way with solar, wind, and water as the focus vs. capitalism and commerce.

i’ve been trying to tap into this old grief for a long time. every time i tried to go to the places that i find refuge for my grief, i’ve gotten derailed or had to take care of someone else who was maybe trying to help me too as best they could. when we all have so much un-addressed grief how do we console and care for one another? it’s not for a lack of want or desire, but maybe we no longer have the practiced skill sets for it? as a culture that likes to negate the negative and proliferate the positive, it makes it difficult to just sit with the hard times sometimes. mix that in with the bag of tricks that is customer service “smile, it can’t be that bad”, fuck you, here is your over-priced, over cultivated, over entitled raw coconut chocolate product…sometimes i really hate customer service

add to the mix one part dealing with the transformation of dream job to nightmare, two parts city life not jiving well with environmental concerns, and so many parts lots of pointing fingers with limited showing of examples on how to move forward.

i think it is this last part that has had me in option paralysis. i don’t believe that all these efforts to get governments to make agreements and such are going to have the same impact as collective individual actions….same as my feelings about legalizing “gay” marriage, or weed, or….really fill in the blank.

i don’t know what else to do. i’ve watched cowspiricy, and what the health, i’ve read the book drawdown. i walk or ride my bike. i eat as consciously as i can where ever i am at.

the hardest part of this for me is finding the community to do this work within. i actually don’t see many people in the queer community addressing these issues, and the vegan community a little, environmental, some. i have some good friends doing great work, but i am looking for a community that brings all this together, and i am not finding it. i’m sure it’s out there, i just don’t know where, and i guess that is what i am looking for. either that or a place and the people to create it with.

but some days, i feel lonely, isolated, and exhausted. i just want to lay in my tent and not move. is it the grief? is it the fear? is it all the above?

for now i’ll just keep peddling my bike down the road and stay open to finding a community.

eclipse escape

September 3, 2017Tagged adventure, adventures, ashland, climate, climate change, eclipse, gender, hiking, oregon, queer, relationships, sunsets, vegan, walking, waterfalls2 Comments

with all the hype and cluster issues i had to listen to for the past 3 months in oregon, i wasn’t sure just what i wanted to do for the eclipse, if anything. part of me was totally just be where i am when it happens and do that then. but as it approached i started to get excited. it is a pretty big deal and i was just miles from the totality range AND it was on my day off. i got even more excited as i found out some of the local businesses here were going to close so that their staff could take off and enjoy and adventure. in a tourist focused town, that is a big deal. then i got the text…come with us

so that is what i did. i went with some pals up to silverton oregon to experience the eclipse. i had met the people who invited my buddies and really like them, i had no idea how big the group was going to be, but it seemed like a great plan.

so i got off work sunday morning, we loaded up our gear, food, beverages, breakfast burritos and headed off to silverton. i napped in my little nest in the back of the jeep, waking every-so-often checking on the smoke and progress. when we arrived we were greeted by some great folks on some lovely land not far from the main park in silverton.

as we settled in and caught up and met all the friends of friends that brought us together, i immediately relaxed and rolled with the open plans and got excited for those really excited. it is rare, in my life anyway, that one gets to experience science nerds excited for an event, and it was easy to get swept up in it all. my pals and i talked about setting eclipse intentions and embracing the nature and energy and history of these events while we enjoyed breakfast burritos, so while team telescope went out looking at places to set up in the morning, we sat and absorbed and explored where we were.

once everyone gathered back at our main camp, we sat in a circle of lawn chairs making conversation and learning about one another. the owners of the property and spaces we were on are so amazing. they are world travelers who tour around on bikes! yes! one of them is a teacher and the other seems to be someone who can build/fix/design about anything. we talked and shared and swapped until dinner time. our little group went up to make dinner and more conversation until the stars and planets came out. we eventually made our way out to do some more test runs with the telescope and technology. my pals and i made cowboy camps on the lawn and watched the evening sky turn….actually i passed the french toast out!

morning brought dew and a peaceful waking. we loaded up and headed off to the pre-scouted area to make coffee and experience the eclipse. the space was great! a raised area of freshly harvested and burned fields with a 360 view to hood to the east and the peaks near the coast to the west. i stayed off to the side while the “experts” set up the technology making coffee and beermosas. we played with puppies and kids. we chatted. we rested. mostly we laughed and played. then…

the light shifted and it was on! we didn’t need to look into the telescope or put on our special glasses to look and know, though we did, but it was such a shift and so subtle. like those moments when you notice that suddenly that summer had become fall all based on a shift in light and shadow. there was a kind of collective exhale. we were going to actually see this! no smoke! no cloud cover! just clear sky. kids where running around. there was a person dressed as a dinosaur. some kids had special little masks they made because the glasses don’t come in kids sizes (notes to designers….make kid sizes).

as we approached totality people were torn on were to focus…the fast passing shadows? the shifting of our shadows as they became less and less distinct and a little wavy? the way it passed through leaves? various holes in various objects, including ear piercings? the temperature dropping? the 360 degree light shifting that felt like both sunrise and sunset as mt. hood turned pink? so much to feel and pay attention to! so much excitement and joy!

and then, after so much shifting, it was suddenly totality! some people counted down, some of us just felt it and then finally looked up at the sun or was it the moon? the moon in front of the sun. it was so amazing! we cheered! we hugged! we wanted to experience so much and then, just like that, the moon continued on its path and opened the sun back up, and the light shifted again.

and then people started leaving! all the cars and trucks that were pulled off where we were decided it was over and took off! what the hill-of-beans? to my estimation the eclipse was only half done. to me, and our crew, the excitement was the whole process. so we kept watching, and the kids in the area came to see the sun through the telescope. they were shown the sun spots and all the things visible. we all hung out and dreamed of the food we would eat when we got back to “camp”. we also talked about how we could understand why people travel the world chasing eclipses. they are amazing!

some of us talked about how it can’t be true that indigenous people believed the world was coming to an end when the eclipse season would come. maybe the first time, but many of those ancient cultures were amazing astronomers. why is this so easy for so many to forget? what would it be like to experience an eclipse at say one of the mayan or incan areas where people go to see the solstices? what stories did they tell explaining them. i am curious and will do more searches for sure before i experience the next one.

eventually the sun was once again fully exposed and we were packed up and headed back. once we got there and our hosts arrived too, we all shared experiences and asked questions, checked traffic, and started to outline plans for the next possible eclipse chase! for the immediate plans we agreed to meet at this little pub i know about (the mom of a former housemate owns it). its off the beaten path but has a great patio so the dogs could hang out, also vegan options! yes! we hung here for 3 hours so that the traffic back to portland for our friends could have a better journey…also it was hard to say goodbye. none of know when we will meet again and there is just so much to share and enjoy.

there was just so much to this group that was hard to take for granted. so much respect for all our different backrounds, and all in our group is a nerd of some sort, one of the couples where the resident official physicists that brought the technology. even though they both study physics, they study different disciplines and it was wonderful to watch them defer to one another depending on the question. in fact the guy most often differed to the woman and she eventually talked openly about the racism and sexism in the sciences. there really didn’t seem to be anyone talking over the other, including the professional scientists vs. the armature astronomers. the whole event felt super collaborative from the making of dinner to the setting up and sharing of the whole event.

eventually we all found a way to go our separate directions, my pals and i to find a camping spot that wasn’t going to be a bunch of bucks nor too over crowded. so we went on the recommendations of the friends who invited us. and it was perfect. it’s a small campground that is converting their atv trails to mt. bike trails. and it includes a great hike that goes behind the namesake water fall! it was so peaceful! all that was going to have to wait until the next day. for by the time we got there (it was a long winding road up) we set up our tents and passed out! i woke a couple of times. the first i heard a howling that wasn’t a coyote and the second time to an owl….so deep and close and amazing! then the sun rose through the smoky haze from the wildfires. i laid there in my tent to watch the sky, listen to the silence, and read my book.

eventually we all stirred enough to start some coffee to take on our walk to the falls. it was so wonderful to be walking on rainforest duff again! it was like having a spring in my step and the ferns and the moisture…so different from the southern oregon experience i’ve had so far this summer. i was so happy and relaxed! we made our way from the top of the waterfall down to the pool it formed and the canyon it carved. the water was cool to the touch and sweet to the taste. we all climbed over boulders and logs until our hungers pressed us on to put together a breakfast of champions. for the record! the three of us can make a good meal together!

reluctantly we packed up again and headed south. we found out that the people who hung out with us for 3 hours at the pub made it back to portland only 20 minutes behind the other couple who choose not to join us so that they could get back early….crazy!

we took a little lunch break outside of eugen. it was a nice little break, but afterword there was talk of a special cold coffee drink and suddenly we all wanted some kind of treat. and since my pals may locate to eugen for continuing educational pursuits, we decided we should stop and get some treats.

we went to the wondering goat for some caffine….a great place to stop by the way, but as we arrived we found ourselves in the middle of a brewery neighborhood. i actually don’t much care for most breweries in eugen, but they do have this place called the beergarden! so we put our coffee drinks in the jeep and walked to the garden. what a nice place! looks like an old service station with the garage doors and such. they have really good beverages on tap and outdoor seating surrounded by food carts! we talked some more of our potential plans, and fears, and hopes, and jokes. once we hit the road again we seemed a little more focused.

the plan was for them to drop me off and then they would go find a place to camp, but as we approached ashland the smoke just kept getting thicker and thicker! i didn’t want them to camp in this air and it was going to take them another 3 hours drive to get to clear air, so they camped out in my room while i took the jeep to work. when i got back, they were ready to head off to start their next adventure, and left me to plan mine.

i don’t know when i will see these great humans again, but we have been here before, most likely we will be here again. what we do know is that there has to be a refuge/ a sanctuary for us queers to find even a temporary haven in this world of chaos and violence; of uncertain safety. we recognize that even the apparent liberal ideology of places like portland don’t really even have the illusion of safety any more. we have to arm ourselves with knowledge and skills, with reverence for nature, with empathy and solidarity. we will keep watch from our respective places, and we will love.

i wonder…what is a love that comes from fear? what is love that is based in anger and hatred and violence? as we fight for our respective rights to exist and live our lives how much is lost if it is surrounded by fear, hatred, greed, violence, dilusion….would i rather die/be killed by whatever is coming than succumb to the actions of violence and hatred? to false love? i can’t sacrifice my need for a nonviolent life for a longer life…blah blah blah.

these are the questions i find myself wrestling with as i make my plans to leave ashland and continue on my travels. i am more open to that fact that i really am in search of something more than stories to share. i am looking for some kind of connection that i cannot quantify or really even describe. i’ve been trying. but i do believe that it has something to do with a community that isn’t necessarily based on identity, but on connections…knowing that you get to one via the other. i am not a single issue activist/human and i don’t want a single issue community.

i plan on leaving ashland in the next week so i may post a few posts this week to catch everyone up on what’s happening and the thoughts i want to take as i continue to roll on.

a queer vegan perspective on the changing climate

August 15, 2017August 15, 2017Tagged adventure, adventures, backpacking, biking, climate, climate change, gender, hiking, intersectionality, lakes, ocean, oregon, queer, relationships, sunsets, swimming, veganLeave a comment

it wasn’t long after i stepped off the oregon coast trail that i heard about trump pulling the u.s. out of the paris accord; an accord that had no real accountability, nor does it go deep enough. when you consider that the g-20 governments still invest more in fossil fuels than in any climate initiative. i wasn’t surprised. we get what we deserve when we fall into a false sence of security that washes over us when democrats get selected for office, or for that fact believing that governments are going to get us out of a mess created by capitalism.

then consider the book i started this venture with, native science by gregory cajete; a book that outlines the indigenous scientific way of observing and participating with the world. this is a book that i had started and stopped so many times over a couple of years, not because it isn’t engaging, but because it inspired me to go out and observe the world around me and go in search of stories by different groups of people who explain their observations and how that incorporated lessons of participation with, well, everything. and then there is the influence of pouring over everything i can find by winona laduke and robin wall kimmerer. influences of black lives matter and idle no more….it is past time to take notice.

all this has led me to finally have a little better insight to address why the current dialoges of climate change/chaos have always felt empty, void of responsibility and real action. why i have tried to turn to so many different organizations from greenpeace to anarchists to work out how i want to address my contributions, my responsibility, my ability to participate as fully as possible to try to turn the tide of the warming of this planet. the fact that this is my 4th attempt to write this out means i haven’t got it yet, but i think i am finally at a place where i can start the conversation for a different way of addressing the onslaught humans (western, capitalist, imperialist, industrial nation’s humans) are having on earth.

if we are able to see that we are just another animal, another mammal, on this life-giving water ball of an organism that gives life to all the creatures who resides here. we might also be able to see that “we” are also the ones who have wrecked such havoc, causing the extinction of so many land and sea beings, we have also finally laid the groundwork for our own extinction. if we can piece these two things together, we might be able to finally collectivly take great action that may turn the tides. i want to have hope for it….yet if we can’t get over ourselves, i don’t know that i want to root for us as a whole…. again “us” being western, capitalist, imperialist, industrial nation’s humans. as many indigenous people i’ve listened to lately, the earth/water/land is not a resource to be extracted, but the source of all life.

so here is how i interpret what is happening to this planet, with my vegan and queer eyes…and heart. the planet is a living organism…THE living organisim for us and all others living, dying, and dead beings on this planet. it is the ultimate closed loop system. if you have ever watched trees grow out of “dead” aka nurse logs, you know what i mean. or closer to home…feed your garden from your compost pile often? death and life is a cycle. so anyway. the planet is a living being who is sick because of “us”. it’s immune system is wrecked and it is trying to find a way of coming back into balance. the more “we” push it out of balance, the more she reacts with greater force.

in naming what is happening, our egos call it climate chaos because we can’t control it. we can’t predict it. many scientists are now saying that the numbers they are getting are so far off the charts that they can’t really run the models for any reliable predictions. and really, i reckon there are just too many gosh darn variables. take the 3 gases that account for most of the warming temperatures of our life-giving planet: co2, methane, and nitrous oxide. most of the organizatons working on reducing the impact of global warming are focused on co2. in many ways this makes a great deal of sense. co2 is the highest concentrated gas. however, the effects of methane is 20 to 100 times stronger than co2. and get this! nitrous oxide? it is 296 times stronger and stays in the atmosphere for 150 years! these numbers i get from the fact sheets on the cowspiricy website and here they have all the scientific references.

one of the final statements they make there is

Reducing methane emissions would create tangible benefits almost immediately.

and where do these methane gases come from? industrial animal agriculture.

again from the fact sheets:

Even without fossil fuels, we will exceed our 565 gigatonnes CO2e limit by 2030, all from raising animals.

now mix this with an amazing infographic from phys.org

now two things i want to take note of from this chart. first, this is still based on co2 and i believe that if we added methane and nitrous oxide, food and transportation would be switched. the other thing that i would like to point out is that all the things on the moderate and low impact side, are the things that “we” have been told we can do as individuals to reduce out participation in global warming. often it is mentioned to buy a hybrid car, (on this chart they encourage people to buy fully electric cars, but where is the electricity coming from? coal? solar? damning dams?). but for the most part it still takes more energy to build a new hybrid than is conserved in its lifetime. and i do not see anywhere in the u.s. where anyone talks about having smaller families, even though we know that population is a major major issue!

as for the switching to a plant-based diet, even vegans, especially today’s modern urban vegan, can make so many better choices, and i want us to talk about this. however, these choices still don’t have the same impact of not consuming animals raised in the confines of industrial agriculture. i would highly encourage people to watch cowspiricy. they talk about the benefits and limitations of say grass/pasture raised meat and just how much land and space that it would take more land than exists to feed people of at the level of current consumption of our fellow mammals.

so what? so what do i want to do with all this information? how is this fueling me to make choices that lower my parasitic activity contributing to making our planet sick? i firmly believe that those of us in the queer community and the vegan community have exceptional vantage points, and thus responsibilities to respond to our sick planet. first, some vegans are already doing the work of intersectionality and developed ways of working together with other groups and organizations to challenge our common oppressors. the queer community has also had the opportunities to do this work, plus, many of us are members of the communities that are going to be even more effected by the government and corporate institutions that are going to amp up their violence and oppressive behaviors. those who are already vulnerable will be even more so, and also the number of groups who will be vulnerable are going to increase. we have a responsibility to be part of community organizing that challenges these institutions as well as building alternative ways of caring for and providing support for all of us. we have done this before, and we can do it again.

i don’t want us to be gentle with one another anymore. “we” can’t afford it. it is time for an intervention. i want us to be educated and informed on how we can be better citizen of this world. we need to recognize that “we” all have an addictive relationship with consumerism that leads to exploitation of land, water, plants, people, and all the other animals who depend on this planet for life. we need to let go of our personal and global egos that say we know better so it must be “their” fault; those new to the global market place – producer and consumer. it is time for brutal honesty, and we can do this with so much love. we can make different and better choices. we don’t have to deny ourselves any pleasures, we just need to learn new ones. did you ever get to experience homemade vegan ice cream with freshly picked berries mixed in? so worth the wait!

and it’s not that hard really, learning new systems where we are inspired to make different choices, where we stop using single use anything as much as possible. get that one travel mug and water vessel. any time you find yourself throwing something in the trash, think about how you could do that differently. how about deciding to walk to the farmers market and have conversations with the people, and cats, you pass along the way. experience a feeling of less stress of not driving. too far to walk? take public transportation.

there also has to be a way where we look at the upstream and downstream effects of our choices. let’s say using compostable “to-go” things. it takes a great deal of energy to produce these items, but when they do eventually break down (which actually does take a great deal of energy and special industrial composting plants that most municipalities do not have), all you are left with is a substance that you can’t even grow mushrooms in. so lots of energy to make something that is used for a very short period of time that is reduced to nothing useful. doesn’t seem really all that “green” when put that way.

so here are some words that are being added to the r’s of reduce, reuse, recycle. those words are refuse and repair. what if we let go of buying so much…just refuse that ego response of retail therapy. go do something else instead. and then when you do need new things, like a shirt say, when it gets worn out, repair it. same with your gear. learn some skills. those are things that will truly truly fill your ego. you can even choose to buy from companies that encourage you to repair instead of replace (patagonia and osprey come to mind).

i’m starting to spin out here. this is what happens. i start going down this river of inspiration and get caught in the eddy of thoughts that make me feel preachy and not very fun, when what i want to do is inspire. making these changes can be so much fun. having canning parties and kimchi making parties. pot lucks instead of going out all the time. skill sharing and game nights. home brews and charades….

but the first step. the very very first step where no other change can happen without, is to see one’s self as just another animal. just another part of the great dynamic that is this living and breathing planet. that we are all dependent and interdependent upon each other is so key. for me, this is where queer and feminist theory of intersectionality come into play. we have to slow down and recognize one another. we have to see, hear, smell, taste, feel physically and emotionally our way around our communities. sit by a river. listen to the rustle of leaves on a tree, the call of the early rising birds as a way of waking. drink wild water, witness a thunderstorm without fear but excitement for the cleansing it will bring, and deeply listen to the stories of people who have experiences other than our own.

this is what i wish for us. i want us to find ways to create spaces for us to openly talk about all these things without fear of so judgement and reprecution. i want a person who deeply wants to be a parent talk about it openly, and together we find ways where that can happen with out huge expenses on so many levels. where a hunter can talk about how they feed their families. how a vegan is trying to find a better source of their foods that doesn’t feed the social injustices of our global food systems. we can do this, but we have to stop with our ego that makes us afraid to speak out, afraid of talking about our desires, afraid of being judged and ridiculed, a place where we lay our egos to the side and go deeper into really addressing the issues that are killing the one being that we all depend on for life…our blue planet.

queer vegan goes to a 4th of july parade

July 7, 2017July 7, 2017Tagged 4th of july, adventure, ashland, backpacking, biking, gender, hiking, music, oregon, parades, privilege, queer, relationships, rivers, vegan, walkingLeave a comment

i am not a fan of many american holiday celebrations, but to say the july 4th is one of my very least favorites is a fair statement. i can still remember one of my early childhood experiences. we all went with some family friends to any even smaller town for a whole day shindig. i can’t remember exactly how young i was. what i do remember… a competition where they (the adults i assume) grease up a little pot belly pig for the kids to chase around and try to catch. i remember a terrified pig squealing all over the park. i don’t know what happened when the pig was caught. maybe the pig was the prize or some other equally horrific award.

then there were the horse races. for some reason i remember the adults in the group being super excited about this, maybe the reason for us going? i don’t know. what i do remember was sitting in the grandstands where the rodeo happens (i think maybe there was even a tractor pull?) and people placing bets. i remember thinking it was kinda cool that whomever picked the winning horse got the pot of money. i remember it just being mostly quarters in our group of people and that it was supposed to be a secret. but it seemed like the whole grandstand had similar little groups. i know white middle and working class folks getting excited about breaking the law out in the open…

the next thing i remember….hiding under the blankets because of the sound of the fireworks. i can still feel the shaking and tremors in my body. i remember being made fun of because my little sister was more brave than i, and she was totally enthralled with them. i remember being torn between wanting to see them and the fear of the sound. i hated it and couldn’t wait for it to be over.

over the years i mildly participated. i really enjoyed bottle rockets. going out in the country. finding a field that had recently been harvested and cleared. setting up empty beer cans and bottles with the little rockets. the cute little pop they make when they go off. the whooshing sound of roman candles. drawing figures with sparklers. but then there were the high school years of going to the fair grounds to watch the big productions. i used comic relief of the oohs, aahs, and lovely to mask my internal tremors that never really went away. i just tried to hide them. as an adult i would make it a mission to find the most remote place to see them, but not hear them. i used work as a way to avoid going altogether, or a 4 day backpacking trip. in portland i would work then usually had an animal companion sitting gig and would cuddle the dogs, cats, or chickens until the nights turned to days and all our torments finally quieted.

so ya….i hate the 4th of july and all it represents. i hate the nationalistic pride. i hate the fuck you it seems to say to the indigenous people who’s land the country we are supposed to be celebrating, enlisted genocide, war, slavery, and religion to occupy and steal. i hate the gluttony and mass consumerism that goes along side it, the eating contests, people who spend hundreds of dollars to blow shit up and then leave messes in the streets for, i don’t know who they expect, to clean it up. i hate getting caught at dusk, riding my bike as fast as possible to get home before the nightmare begins. those nights i didn’t make it and felt like i was caught in a war zone. sometimes, depending on where i was, not know if those blasts where gunshots or fireworks. many times seeing roman candles, bottle rockets, firecrackers wiz past me as i dodged through the city streets. i hate the fourth of july.

so when the calendar flipped this year, i didn’t really think much about it. after all, i am in a town where i don’t really know any one, so no bbq to get invited to (actually i began to like the vegan bbqs i went to, i just went home early), no fireworks date, no animals to watch, no big deal. i was going to go to the farmers market, get some good food and watch some movies….then my housemate said “i’m going to go to the parade wanna go?”

i didn’t think about the parade. i pictured central oregon, flag waving, patriotism, huge amounts of white people waving the flag…but i am in ashland oregon….white liberal southern oregon. at the mention of trump people shake their heads and nervously chuckle. no one here admits to voting for trump, but i also do not see/hear many clinton or sanders slogans or stickers…its kind of a weird liberal stepford-town. so i could go and see how this town is going to celebrate this day and all of its awkwardness, or i could hide away and make fun of it from afar….i went.

i have to say, i rather enjoyed myself…eventually. the crowd was full of manners (as a friend of mine would say). they didn’t pile up on each other. kids were up front as they should be. paths on the sidewalks and crosswalks were kept open with out anyone directing it. when it got hot, room was made for elders and youth in the shade… but it started for me with a little trepidation. a little after 10 some people in front of us moved into the street saying “here they come! here they come!” i thought cool the parade started on time, but nope it was the f-something-or-other fighter jets in formation making a fly over. i hadn’t heard that sound in over 10 years and i have not missed it.

yes, it was still a very very white event

[wichita use to start the fireworks with the b1 bomber, canons, and the 1812 overture synched to the fireworks…i worked like mad to avoid these events.]

then the cops on motorcycles led the parade down the street. my heart sank and my stomach rose to my chest as i braced myself for either 2 hours of this, or a long walk home (i brought my backpack with notebooks and reading material just in case i needed to bail). then a woman walked up to me, a river rafting guide, who thought she knew me, and my guard dropped and i relaxed as the fun floats started to go by.

there wasn’t super overt patriotism. the people in the parades where on point. the environmental groups, the fire departments (for urban and wild fires), the representatives of ashland’s sister city, guadalajara in mexico, the library…the local bookstore dressed as the covers of banned books, the roller derby team, bands, silly folks, oh and we learned that the blacksheep english pub recently got new owners and will stay open!

it was actually a nice way to get to know some of the service organizations of the area. like talent (just up the road a bit) has a pollinator and bee project! i had no idea. there is one of the few health clinics here for immigrants to get the care they need for their application process. it was actually a fun day.

after the parade we walked up-stream of the people flowing to the park, as we searched for a place to have a refreshing cocktail.

when we got home, i was feeling brave, so i thought i would walk up to the movie theater and see wonder woman! maybe i could handle the red, white, and gold of a super hero movie with a woman as the lead hero. at first i was excited. the “older” women as badass amazon warriors on a paradise island?!

but then…i was heart-broken, and not just because it had to have a love story in it (why do they always have to do that? thank you once again madmax for not doing that). it felt like a feminist version of a gay film, in that we will except meritocracy and nods to issues without actually dealing with them, just for some visibility. and yes, visibility is great. i don’t want to make light of that, but….sigh. i’ll take sense8 any day over wonder woman. sure all the characters are flawed, maybe that is what i like about them. they also support one another without question or explanations: queer, trans, thief, hindi, korean female martial fighter, and the sex scenes? hot!….yes, you have to suspend some disbelief to follow, but name a show where you don’t.

so…my take away, if i may, for this “holiday” celabration…i don’t know. i like the idea of community coming together and dressing up and walking down the street like some kind of moving talent show where we are proud of what we do together. that we have a lot of work to do and so much to share. that we are imperfect and flawed, but if we can find these things that bind us together….well we just might survive for a little while. that we can share space, food, music, and good cheer. it doesn’t have to require buying or being some major consumer of capitalistic greed, hate, and delusion. in fact there were more than a few floats in this parade that called out capitalism as the major force of our current struggles in this country.

this is still not a holiday i enjoy. i don’t know if i’ll brave going out in it again. i am grateful that i got to stop at the farmers market and get fresh fruits and veggies for the week. i was able to hide out from the fireworks and snuck to work at 11 pm between the city display and the neighbors’ doing their bit. from the guests at the hotel, i heard that the jazz concert in the park was really good. and the next day when i went out, the streets were not full of firework trash.

maybe i need to make my own holiday….what kind holiday would a queer vegan on an adventure come up with…..hummmm

starting the sharing

April 27, 2017April 27, 2017Tagged adventure, adventures, backpacking, cape lookout, gender, hiking, hiking oregon, microbrews, ocean, Oregon Coast trail, queer, relationships, thru-hiking, vegan, walking1 Comment

seems funny that i have only been doing this for around 10 days now, but so much has happened, and also not much because well rain and wind and rain and rain. the oregon coast is rainy, i know, no shit it’s rainy! i was prepared, and yet somehow not. i’ve had so many great experiences already, and i’ve been cheating.

when we left of, i was at seaside taking a break. since then i have made my way down the coast and am lodged up in lincoln city; swapping out gear and drying out all the things. also, i promised my tent a break from those winds.

so the weather has been super craptastic, but i am not going to complain about the life force of water, however, it shifts logistics a little. so between that and realizing that the coast trail is freaking expensive, lots of road walking (hard on the body), and some of the northern parks are closed due to landslides, i’ve decided to take the amazing coastal shuttle/bus system. yes, i will happily pay you $4.50 for what would have coast me 40 to 50 bucks in boat shuttles that may or not have been happening due to the weather. plus, saving that money helped me get a salad and a pint while waiting for a connector bus.

i have to say, taking these buses has left a soft spot in my heart for the coastal communities i have been passing through. many people use this public transportation for many reasons. they know the bus driver’s name and the driver knows the passengers names. they don’t treat the people with special needs any differently. they are kind. they seem to watch out for each other. maybe this is a piece of what i am searching for.

i’ve already met so many nice people. i was at bill’s tavern in cannon beach after getting blown off the beach. me and my pack were soaked and we really hadn’t gone more than a mile. this woman sitting in the booth next to me asked to join me. we had a nice conversation that finally came around to my feelings about the book/movie wild. i know i’ve already written my feeling about it, i probably will some more. anyway, she had this look on her face that seemed pained as she asked the question. so i took a minute and responded in a way that surprised me.

i told her that we can’t really blam this book/movie on the increased traffic on delicate land. that maybe people are searching for something anything that helps them feel connected to something, and this has been a tool to help with that. i can’t really blame that book/movie on the increased use of the pct (a kind of gentrification of the trail systems) anymore than i can blame the influx of people to portland on the show portlandia (yes, i said that). people are searching for places that they can experience life differently, more fully perhaps? these forms of popular culture give insight into some options that maybe people haven’t thought of until this introduction.

she seemed relieved at my response. maybe she too is searching for something. i don’t know. she was very present and thoughtful. she reminded me of my dad’s wife. anyway, she came back later with a generous gift that helped me pay for an over-priced camp site that night.

a couple days later i met 2 super nice guys outside the coffee shop in manzinita. i figured with the money i saved from not paying for a boat shuttle, i could splurge on a cup of coffee and fresh o.j. we were sitting outside talking about the super sweet dogs and life. they are from portland, just quite their corporate jobs and are trying to decide what’s next. when i was explaining what i was doing, i started tot tear up for some reason (and actually am again as i write this) and i’m not sure why. sometimes you meet people who you can tell the story you’ve already been telling, but you get to be more vulnerable, maybe? i don’t know. i think i’m starting to let go of some of my own bullshit. i hope one day i find out what they decide is next for them.

then i finally got some forest hike in after i hide in the hiker/biker camp of cape lookout. geez how i love that park. it was super great! and super muddy! thank goodness for carson footwear. the mud may have sucked off my shoes, but those shoes kept me from sliding off the trail! when the tide kept me from crossing the lake, i had a long and sideways rain come down on me. my walking day ended up being around 9 hours and 15 miles. i did have a nice layover at the sand lake gas and shop! as i put my things on the counter, i saw the rebel flag sticker and some other very similar sticker on the counter and took a breath. but when she found out i was walking and not biking, she started telling me about the last person that came through there a few years back who was walking with a pot belly pig! we laughed. i sad on the porch ate some snacks and watched the rain.

when i finally rolled into pacific city to a super over-price hiker biker campsite, i was a little not grumpy, exhausted. road walking is exhausting and hard on the body! so i set up my tent and walked across the street for a cold beer and a basket of fries! and i met my first fellow vegans!!!! they were a super amazing couple with their own amazing story. we had such a nice chat. i look forward to meeting them again some where some time… and maybe get to see the tiny house they built!

so, to get back to where this post started with the idea that we are all looking for some kind of connection; community maybe or a tie to the nature… some combination of family, what’s another word for tribe, that binds us together in the ways that we have empathy and compassion and some other feeling that maybe has no word for all those around us: the 4 legged, the winged, the creepers and crawlers, the swimmers, the trees, the plants, water and air, and even us 2 legged animals. i think we can do this. we can do this, but it is going to take some not-working, some un-working?

anyway, i can’t wait to see who i talk to next. its hard to meet people on this trail…not a lot of people on it. i meet folks when i stop into towns and chat on the buses.

20170422_183731 — cape lookout hiker/biker camp. my little home is in there somewhere!

where have i been

July 13, 2015August 14, 2016Tagged adventure, gender, polyamorous, queer, relationships, veganLeave a comment

today i was walking to a food cart pod to get a some pizza and a beer. i’ve been super busy (i don’t like being super busy) so on a slower day, i decided to walk and listen to a podcast. i choose SNAP JUDGEMENT. the latest episode is called “tin man” and evaluated what “we” are missing. so here i am, a vegan pizza and a pint down, wondering what have i been doing, what am i missing that keeps me from connecting to people, and why have i not posted any of my adventures in the past several months. questions always lead me to more questions: what HAVE i been doing, do i really want to connect with people and if so how, who, why? and how do i explain my absence from writing?

well, i’m not ready to address all those questions brought up in the podcast so lets talk about where i have been and what i’ve been up to. i started an intimate relationship… yayaya, i know what you are thinking… ok really i don’t. however, what i think is that at first i got so distracted with the whole getting to know someone new, having lots of sex the kind of sex that wears you out and makes you want more… to the point i was missing so many meals and still trying to work and not talking to people or reading the news or work email or…. so anyway, at some point we realized we were building (i don’t really like this term) or in or something beyond a casual “see ya when i see ya” thing…. there is a relationship happening. i never really thought i would want another relationship. i kind of think of myself as a sort of lone wolf. i meet someone. it only lasts for a short period of time because i don’t really want to share my precious time or energy on them, and neither do they on me… its great. kind of superficial. but it works for some time. also i have some really amazing friends that fill me in so many ways.

do i keep it this way because i am some kind of person lacking the drive it takes to build relationships? do i hate drama so much that i just don’t want anything at all to do with it? do i just really really like my time alone that much? or have i just not met the person who can relate with me in this same way? or is there some other fear that i just have not dug deep enough into? i’ve had a couple of really great loves in my life, why settle for anything less just to not be “alone”? or am i just missing something that makes me want to connect to another person in a more intimate way?

i think i’m looking at all of these, and the last one in particular, as i find myself in a relationship with someone i’ve known for a little while. we met on a trail run back when i was living in a van for a spell. she was in a relationship, and i was not into relating, but liked meeting new people. forward a couple of years, and one night in december it all changed. i had just started thinking how i would like to connect with someone again. that i missed those special moments that can happen when you have certain attractions with folks. i had just realized i loved and cared for another friend, and thereby found myself opening back up to this way of relating to people in my life.

so there we were, standing outside a bar (the band we went to see was sold out) drinking cocktails by a fire. people came and went while we stood, soaked on the backside, glowing warmth on the front. we left to go finally eat some food. had a bazaar and excitingly good conversation with a stranger who came to our table in tears, and left smiling and laughing. she bought us a round of jamison to celebrate her moving from tears to laughter, insisting that my friend and i had been in a relationship for sometime, that she could tell. after the jamison, she left us alone in yet another glow. my intent was to bike her home. she invited me to stay and cuddle… to cuddle. my reply was that i don’t cuddle [so here we disagree on what happened, so this dialoque appearently happened in my head until sometime later; as in weeks later]… i mean i do cuddle. i love to cuddle. but i don’t cuddle my friends (unless they ask me to spoon them like a friend and then of course i do) but really, i don’t spoon or cuddle my friends. i hold them in times of need. i am a hugger, but i also knew that if this woman and i were going to get into a bed, naked, and cuddle, that it would not remain cuddling. in other words, if we got into bed together that night we would have sex… that was my way of dealing with consent culture. because i do want consent culture, but i don’t want to have to ask at every step. i want to be with someone who will tell me what is going on with them, and i to them, and we can both read body language and ask if the fear we are sensing is a good exciting fear, or a fear where we stop and talk about what is happening, or just stop because they say so… no reason needed.

according to her, she asked if i wanted to stay, i looked up at the sky (having a conversation in my head) and said sure. she gave me cloths to sleep in. we cuddled in. warmth filled our bodies that had been cooled by a winter rain and bike ride.

anyway… we got into bed and it wasn’t long before we began to explore. i want to say we were inseparable from then on, but not really. a few nights later i invited her to a friend’s show. we walked to the bar. after some music, walked to the waterfront to check out the “no-car” bridge. maybe climb over and cross it. but it was during Ferguson and protests and cops with pepper spray and batons just waiting for an excuse to use them, and razor wire along the top of the fence that i couldn’t figure out why it was there, who cared?…. so we drank beer under the bridge, talked, and had sex on the bench along the bike path.

there were a few more encounters like this, and then we became somewhat inseparable. though not really. we both had our things going on, but when we didn’t, we could spend long periods of time in each others company…. not just having sex, but exploring one another’s desires, wants, needs, asking questions not so much during but after, talking about what worked or didn’t as well, learning…..

we become confused on why we couldn’t get breakfast at 5 pm or why brunch ended at 3. reality became warped. on one spring camping trip that was particularly rainy, we stayed in the back of the car all weekend, we craved some kind of special room service, and started developing plans for long hotel stays with room service, but we really prefer our own cooking, so what if we made a bunch of treats that were nutritious and delicious that we could eat to replenish calories and satiate us until we were really ready to get out of our sleeping area….salads are great! pre-made and ready for the simple dressing to toss it all into… lots of seeds and nuts….

anyway, i’m getting distracted… see how easy it is to get distracted when talking about sex. i don’t think it’s because sex is actually distracting, but because we don’t talk about it much, so when we do it becomes distracting. we don’t encounter it enough in our lives, in positive ways that is. i’m not saying that we aren’t having enough sex, though that could be true. but if i start talking about the sex i am having with someone, regardless of the kind of relationship i have with them, people get kind of awkward, and so do i. how much is too much sharing? why don’t we talk more about why we like certain experiences and what happens when we explore those more? what about when we come up next to a super old and socially shared fear and face it? question it? go deeper into what it is about and if that is the real fear, or if there is something deeper?i would like to think that my fears aren’t so simple, yet at the same time are more simple. do i really fear that the person i am with is going to leave me for someone else, or that i am being lied to and therefore can’t make more well-informed decisions about the relationship or the other options before me because i am being manipulated by lies and misinformation?or maybe i’m not really afraid of them leaving me, but of being alone. if i think of the alone aspect, well that doesn’t really work for me because alone is what i know it’s what i’m good at. so maybe i fear not being alone. the list could go on and on.

if we don’t have places we can talk about these things, well we just stay in really fucked up or confusing situations, accepting relationships that don’t really feed us, or allow us to truly nurture the ones we love, or to questions our social norms.

the person i’ve started this relationship with is polyamorous and wants to only be in open relationships. i knew this going into this because we have been friends long enough to know that she won’t be in another relationship that’s not. as her friend i wouldn’t ask her to do anything different. that being said, neither of us have ever really been in an open relationship. sure, i’ve “dated” more than one person at a time, but at some point we either decide to be exclusive or we move on. then there are the people i’ve dated that were in open relationships and i was the other person.

so what does this all mean, and why am i writing about it? i’m not so cheesy to think that love is the biggest adventure of them all. however, i think that the idea of love and how we love, what makes up a good solid relationship, who makes a good partner (especially consider the timing of “gay” marriage and all that bullshit), and how we define all this is one of the top social constructions we face regularly. as a queer person and a vegan with anarchist beliefs, i have a really hard time thinking of telling someone i love and care about, what they can or can’t do with their bodies, time, interactions…. i can say what i do or do not want in my life (sti, drama…)and make agreements about how we meet one another’s needs. what i am learning is that i really want to be with someone who knows who they are and what they want. that we have these lives we want to live and dreams we want to make real. who am i to stand in the way?!

i’ve never been in a relationship that had this level of communication without the kind of over processing that drives me crazy, or scripted language of liberal folks that have had too much therapy that they can’t speak directly any more. we still have a lot to learn and have made mistakes, but we are learning and laughing and loving.

in the mean time, i and we have been on all kinds of queer vegan adventures that i want to share, but and yet, this relationship has made me question what it is that i can or should share here. if it was just me, well i wouldn’t care. she has given me full clearance to share whatever i want. yet, what do you want to hear? do you want to know the amazing places we found in nature to explore, where there was no one else for days so we spent it naked in the car, in the tent, out of the enclosures, laid in the grass or meadow, in the water, on the sandy or rocky beach? do you want to know how much i am being stretched and pulled as a person, as a lover, as a friend, as a human being trying to relate and still be myself? how i am calling bullshit on myself? or do you want pretty pictures and thoughts about how we relate to the greater world?

what does it mean to be a complete human being with love and fear and dreams….

well now, that is what i call an adventure!

Share this:

Share this:

Share this:

Share this:

Share this:

Share this:

Reducing methane emissions would create tangible benefits almost immediately.

Even without fossil fuels, we will exceed our 565 gigatonnes CO2e limit by 2030, all from raising animals.

Share this:

Share this:

Share this:

Share this: