Tag: adventure

seaside sideline

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yup, so here i am in seaside at the international hostel. they give a discount for oct hikers! some of these folks have been on some great journeys. one guy, when i listen to him from the other room, reminds me of utah phillips! anyway, this morning it is pouring out and i am supposed to get back out there and climb up a muddy rainforest path. soooo i’ll have a hot cup of coffee first.

hostel greeting

yesterday i managed to cut some weight out of my pack, but i’m not sure how much further i can go. i did actually get rid of one of my drinking vessels, and for those of you who know how much i love to have my vessels you know how hard this was to do, and i’m contemplating switching another one out for something lighter. why i can get rid of all these major things in my life, but my vessels….whole other story. i think it goes back to my year of package free. i don’t want to use disposable bottles and cups.

anyway, so the adventure up to astoria, staying at sou’wester, then taking one more day and camping at ft. stevens was super exciting. the guys helped me do a couple of shakedowns, kept me calm when inside i was kind of freaking out about how much shit i still had/have, and bought me an afternoon beer to calm my nerves. they really are the best.

they took me to the mouth of the columbia river and the south jetty where the oct starts. we shared some hugs and tears (there really is no way to thank these two so much for, well not just the last couple days but all the years we have been building our relationships). then i was off!

friendly foot prints

it was a fine sunny sunday, and being a fine sunny easter sunday, i wasn’t sure just how crowded the beach would be. it was fine. i quickly put the hood up on my wind jacket over my cap to keep that southern wind from blowing it off and sand and wind out of my ears and set my pace. my pack is too fucking heavy.

i make it to the eroding ship that is 3.5 miles down the coast in pretty good time, so i stop and dump sand from my shoes and check my feet. all seems well. when i cross the parking  lot i spot 2 folks at the back of a pick-up tuck loading up a pack. huh! i didn’t think i’d actually see another backpacker out here. we wave. i would have stopped, but i thought they were just rearranging for camping, but at my next stop i saw one of them hiking right past me…that pack looked big and heavy!

rotting ship

 

the other thing i didn’t think i’d experience on this trail was people offering things. but not a few miles in and i had 2 offers and conversations about hiking and such. people were really into it.

when i stopped for dinner, i realized i was in a little trouble feet wise. i was not able to keep the sand out of my shoes and ended up with some serious blisters. i tried to clean them up, but the wind would blow sand into everything. i wanted to set up my tent, but camping isn’t permitted in the area, so i just tried to dig in out-of-the-way. also, i wasn’t just sure how high the high tide would be. yes, i have a fancy watch that has the current tide info, and a tide table, but just how high is 280′?

i was tired and frustrated (my stove/dinner blew over and spilt twice even though i had put of the wind screen and dug a little safe place for it. so i set up my tent with just the fly and groundsheet incase i got tossed out our the waves came up close, i could bail quickly. i placed things around me to keep the wind/sand at bay, set my watch alarm to about 1/2 hour before high tide (1:30 am) and rested. i woke up a few times to flashes of light. what could it be? not lightning!? nope. cars! they just don’t stop. i thought after sunset, they would go away, but no.

when the sun did set, the wind died down and i got some rest. my alarm went off. i check the ocean. it was far off like i had thought it should be and went back to sleep. but the stars…the night sky….wow! clouds and stars and the lights of ships off in the horizon were amazing!

all of a sudden i felt a huge blow and gust of wind and my shelter was trying to take flight! what the… as the sun started to break around 5:30, the wind also decided to rise, and rise it did. i packed up everything i could as fast as i could, using the weight of us all to hold down the shelter. i then broke down the shelter trying to keep it from becoming a parasail. i hungered down behind a log, swigged some water and started down the trail.

i was told that there was a little r.v. camping place with a general store at the end of the beach access road, so i head that direction. once i got out of the wind, i took a deep breath and sat behind the pit toilets for a minute to make sure everything was intact. all was good. feet where good. just needed water, so i headed up to find the r.v. park. it was early, like 6:30/7 am early and as i walked into the park, i thought oh boy, this is going to be interesting. this wasn’t really an r.v. park for travelers and campers. nope people lived here. the store was closed and as i looked around i saw all kinds of no trespassing signs with the names of the people who will call the cops. a sign on the door said where the bathrooms and portapottys were located, so i walked around a minute. as i rounded a corner there was this older guy putting coolant in the radiator of his truck. we looked at each other. i smiled. he smiled. mornin’. mornin’. you doin’ the pct? eventually. i’m on the oct right now. cool. great. whatch doin’ here? looking form some water. bathrooms should be open. great! thanks! take care. you too.

i headed into the bathrooms. one faucet leaked all over the floor instead of coming out of the tap. the second one was just fine! i drank up and filled up and headed down the trail.

the wind was something! i mostly kept my head down, but you know, they say never turn your back on the ocean, so every-once-in-awhile i looked up and over. oh one thing. before the sun had come up, i was able to hike without a headlamp. didn’t think much about it. no one was around, but then headlights! so i walked to the left of the headlights. then the car shifted heading right towards me, so i moved to the other side, and it moved! this went on for a bit. i was about to pull my headlamp out and flash it up at them when they finally moved to the far side but with their high-beams on! they then circled around me and started asking me questions. between the wind and the waves i said i couldn’t hear them. finally they headed off.

i knew i had to get 12 miles in to reach seaside where i was going to get a room at the hostel and shakedown again. my body was feeling great, but my feet! oh my golly! i wanted to chop them off. i couldn’t find a good place to care for the blisters that started forming, so i just kept trying to soak them in the cold ocean. i finally waddled into town where i still had about 4 miles to walk all the way across on concrete! oh that did not help! when i go to the hostel, the folks were so so so nice and chatted me up a storm…it was painful. all i wanted was to get out of these wet cloths (yes, it had started raining a couple of hours before), wash the sand out of all the cracks and crevices of my body, and sleep! finally after the tour, i dropped my pack on the floor, showered, and slept for hoooouuuuurrrrs, went to the brewery, came back and slept some more!

the morning was warm and sunny. i drank a nice cup of coffee on the porch but knew i could not walk on these feet, so i spent the day resting, reading, and tending to my feet. it was a super nice day! everyone here is so friendly! they ask your name and remember it! i highly recommend staying here.

today is going to be a challenge, but i think i only have to go around 7 miles to the hiker “cabins” at tillamook head in ecola state park, and once i am in the forest, the rain won’t be as bad, but i do have a 2 mile section that is straight up with a work-around a landslide from the winter storms. aaaand this is why i got good rain gear!

p.s. park is closed due to winter storms and landslides, soooo, new plans. at least it’s not snow!

 

some questions answered

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i know its early for a first break, but believe it or not, i need a break. i have been going non-stop since i quite my jobby job. there was just so much to do and people to see and stuff to work out, that i didn’t get a chance to just process all that was happening. i kinda figured i’d do it on the drive to kansas and back, but nope. i was just focused on driving and making plans with the people i was meeting up with there. then i thought i could chill out on the way back. you know, take the more southern route through colorado and stop at some hot springs, have some beer, write… but i was just so tired and exhausted, mostly emotionally exhausted to be honest. when you leave your dream job, it can be troubling. the last 6 months of working there was really hard on me.

i don’t know how to explain it, but it just stopped feeling like the collective was working together. many people thought they knew what the co-op needed, but couldn’t hear what anyone else was saying. there were lots of power dynamics happening and i got caught in the middle. then there was the disagreements on calling the cops or not when people felt or were perceived to be violent in one way or another, especially the people experiencing homelessness or some form of mental illness. i guess on most levels i (as a white human in this country and especially in portland) i feel pretty safe emotionally, physically, and mentally. in most of these instances my concern was for the safety of those acting out, and on those around who don’t typically feel safe. calling the cops makes very few people actually feel safer….anyway, my dream job was no longer my dream job, which made me create and follow through with a new dream. so that is what i am out here doing.

so here i am in seaside taking a break after only 2 days out and 20 miles in. i am going to catch you up a bit. so here are the answers to the question i get most often. after this, probably later today, i will tell about the last couple days.

 as i begin to share my adventure plan with people i am invariably asked how did i come up with this idea. or how long have i been thinking about doing this, or some variant of this. and when i am out walking around thinking, i am reminded of so many times i’ve wondered about doing this, and some of the inspiring (in one way or another) people who’s stories i have heard about. the main ones that come to mind are: utah phillips, woodie guthrie, (and all the riders of the rails that they talk about), everett ruess, and to a lesser extent john muir and thurou (to be honest and somewhat sacrilege, i don’t really like muir. yes, he started the protecting the “wilderness” areas and all that. however, they were super racists and displaced the people of that land that already cared for and had a relationship with the land. so  i find him and all the worship he gets annoying). people ask me about the peace pilgrim and other folks who walked across the country with a pointed purpose. i have certainly been affected by them and their convictions, but not really. then i am asked about the book and movie wild. sigh, i was not inspired by either, but i get why people are. there are so many thru-hikers who’s blogs and books i have read, and thankfully there are more and more female identified folks writing and getting published, and they have been super helpful and lent to the dream. however, they all, at some point, ask why can’t this be life? i ask just because the trail ends, does that mean i have to stop walking? i say no, well until the money runs out and i have to stop for a minute and make some more. so yes, thru-hikers have been inspiring, but this is not a thru-hike.

so, i’d say ruess has been my biggest influence. i stumbled upon ruess after one of my very first backpacking trips. we did a few days up in zion national park. once we put on a clean (for me dry since i jumped in the river as soon as we crossed the bridge), consumed the biggest salad and coldest beer i could imagine, we then stepped into a cute little bookstore. here is where i found a book called “everett ruess: a vagabond for beauty” by w.l. rusho. mostly it’s a collection of ruess’ letters, journal entries, poems, and woodblocks. i fell in love with his story. and for sure i fell in love with the romantic notion of a young person stepping out of the city in search of….well beauty. that introduction had to be 12 years ago.

i’ve read and reread this book and lent it out so much its falling apart, held together with a rubber band. it wasn’t until i moved to portland that i ran into anyone else that had heard of everett. seems most people have heard of him from the book into the wild. kroukhou spends a good deal of time talking about him as he pieces together the story of chris. i still haven’t been able to bring myself to read that book. i saw the movie and was somewhat annoyed. i do really like the soundtrack. but for some reason, the thought of reading this book just repulses me. this happens sometimes. it happened to me with “wild”. i forced myself to read it like a child who doesn’t want to eat their dinner….just like that child that submitted, i wish i hadn’t. so i may never read it, but i am curious about it, so who knows….

anyway, the questions all the above people bring up for me are fairly basic. 1) is a modern-day everett, guthrie, utah, vagabond rail rider even possible and if so what does that look like? 2) where are the women, people of color, queer folks? where are their stories? or do they end (and therefor never told) by a lynching, prison, violent death, institutionalization? also is there a level of survival that keep non-white men from having their stories told from an adventure format? also also…this had been the life of the traditional people of this land befor the arrival of the european conqueror. what is the privilege that “allowed” the exploitative life of people like thurou or ruess and especially muir? what is the difference between the utah, guthrie folks compared to the everett and muire and chris?

poverty for sure. mental health for woodie guthrie (any doubts? read his autobiography). those two groups of white men have access to different privlages of american culture. some, like utah philliups, are trying to fight against this oppressive regime of a colonizing culture. many of those riding the rails where looking for seasonal work, migratory work. leaving lives that they couldn’t fulfill, all kinds of stories of people who capitalism leaves out. people who don’t want to or can’t for various reasons, live in this world.

for some reason, i feel like i fall into both and neither camp at the same time. i want to adventure out into the wilderness in search of beauty. the beauty of nature of the people who know the land. to find the beauty of people i have very little in common with besides a love for the outdoors. but i also feel like i don’t fall in line with the status quo. i believe that the bigger, better, faster life-style that is getting even faster and faster as we are lulled into a false sence of security. i’m tired of people telling me what it means to be however i am identifying today, and i only feel that it is getting worse. that the more we refine how we identify, the more specific we get in our specialty, the less we are able to see the bigger connections. the less we are able to develop empathy for people we do not know. the less we are able to put together the connections that make us all homosapians, animals if you will.

i just want to explore/experience/get to know the people and the places that i move through. this is getting harder and harder to do in cities. they are all getting so homogenous. it doesn’t feel as genuine anymore. the gentrification of the cities is beginning to feel the way it did when non-queer folks showed up at the gay & lesbian bars. coming by because it was cool, the music was good for dancing, the people beautiful, but they wanted to feel safe and wanted to be like their neighborhood bars, so they took it over and offended most everyone. then, since that queer space is now safer for white folks to move in and be trendy, hip and happening, those queers, other creatives and the rest of the folks living there at near or below poverty level, get pushed out. that is how portland feels to me now…and what is happening to the “up and coming” cities around the country. so i could move to another city again, but name a place this isn’t happening.

and i fear that this is what is happening to the trendy trails like the pct, at, cdt. i fear that as more and more people descend upon the major trails, they will become like the interstate highway systems where people cross the country faster and faster and we forget to stop and get to know the people, plants, and animals of the land. and what is the up and down stream effects of all this activity on some trails? also, it has become a major commodity and purchasing of latest and greatest gear. the gear industry is exploding, but who makes it and for whom are they making it? this is a rabbit hole of sorts that i will go down later.

i think that this is one of the appeals of everett ruess for me. he floundered. he knew he didn’t know lots of things and didn’t pretend to. he talked to people as he encountered them, but doesn’t seem to seek them out. he, indeed was very privileged even during the times of the depression of the early 1900s. we seems to have been known to walk into any place and make himself at home. he didn’t seem to know how to be a stranger which is indeed a privilege of the young and the cis white hetero male. he seems to have made friends with some of the indigenous folks of the canyon lands. and then he just disappears. some think that the mystery of his disappearance has been solved. national geographic has a huge article on it, but in the end it is still in question. i like the idea that he and his donkeys just rode off out of range. maybe went on into mexico. perhaps just blended in with one of the indigenous villages in the area.

so how has this inspired or fed my ideas of this adventure?

i want to travel around this country. i do not want to travel on the roads.if i did i would do a bike tour, and i don’t want to bike over the mountain ranges and i don’t want to walk on hot stinky roads. i want to meet the people in the small towns along the ranges. i want to meet more people who are living and working in the forest, wild spaces left in this country (and not in this country). i want to hear their stories. i want to walk the land with them. in a time when we think we are so super divided, and we certainly are for fear can indeed to that, i think if we take the time and move slowly enough to get to know one another in ways that feed empathy for how we each got to where we are, we will find that there is not so much reason to fight. we might learn that most of our most basic fears are the same…we shall see.

i’ll resupply as i pass through towns.

no i am not afraid of bears, cougars, or other wild life…snakes are a phobia for me. white men do make me leery. as i camp on the coast, i have realized i am afraid of sneaker waves, midnight high tides with a sneaker wave (am i sure i pitched my tent far enough back?), and cars on the beach running my tent, and subsequently me, over. i guess the thing i am most afraid of is being stuck in an institution of some kind (prison, hospital…). i’m a little afraid i may never come back for one reason or another, but mostly wonder what and why i would return. and no, i don’t know that i will return to portland to live.

i don’t have many plans outside of what will happen after the oregon coast trail. i will check the snow levels around that time and decide then. i have a few ideas in mind.

no i’m not actually walking across the country, but kind of around it and up-and-down in a kind of migratory route.

not taking a gps unit. getting lost is kind of the point, but also, i’d already need to have back up paper maps, so why don’t i just use those anyway. when it comes to having all the cool gadgets and such, i ask myself what would people do before these existed? well, they developed skills and such. that is what i plan on doing.

yes, i will have my cell phone (and can download maps and trails onto it), but it will have the most basic of plans and such to stay in touch. i also have this here tablet to write….

i hope to connect with local (to where i am at the time) trail groups and organization and hopefully do some trail maintence or work with them in some kind of capacity. 
yes, i will stay vegan, however, i have gotten some wool blend base layers for so many reasons that include not wanting hypothermia, weight, comfort on hot and cold days, synthetic gets stinky and is being made of oil really any better? cotton is nice, but its heavy and doesn’t dry quickly, however, i do have a cotton shirt to sleep in because it was designed by someone i know and its super soft.

gear-list….i will make one soon, i promise. while i am here at seaside i will do yet another shackdown…i want to lose 5 to 10 pounds still from my pack…speaking of, i am going to make some lunch….. 

countdown….ooooh….i start tomorrow

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so i have ment to write so many posts leading the way from the last day of working, road trip to kansas and back, gear plans, and shakedowns. however, i did not do that. instead i spent a great deal of time getting rid of most of the things i own and hanging out with the people i won’t be seeing for a bit of time.

speaking of people i won’t see for some time…. i could NOT be doing this with out the support of so many people. i know i have said this before, but really, not one “are you fucking crazy?!” from anyone…at least not said to me.  so for real: all of you in the brunch and ping-pong club (and the ones who go but don’t like ping-pong), the co-workers who helped me get my schedule to where i could still work some and plan lots. hell, even the couple of co-workers who made my life hell and inspired me to start even earlier than i had planned. my good pals who have become like brothers to me, now sitting on either side of me here in astoria for one last night. the folks at the mercado who let us have one last gathering with all our friends from all over portland. the buddy who gave me two new tattoos to help me remember where home is no matter where i go. my friends who start so many conversations with “so i had this idea” that inspired me to come up with some of my own. the friends who showed me how to buck so many of the social graces that gives space for all of us to be true, honest, and present with each other and ourselves.  other friends who made the stickers for me (they came out sooo good so watch for them or check out my go fund me if you want one!). and then there is my family! no way could i ask for more love and support from my mom, sister, niece, nephews, brother-in-law, dad, aunts, and though they are not on this plane any longer i know i would have the grandparents right there.

as someone who has moved around a great deal, i have some theories about what it means to be in a place that gives you the self-awareness needed to take the great leaps in our lives. everywhere i have ever lived has provided this on some level, even kansas that was more of a kick in the seat of the pants to get the heck outta there. and thought portland is changing the way it looks and feels, it is full of people who celebrate the people who go beyond walking to the beat of a different drummer, but to those who hear and make totally different music and move to that music in their own ways.

as i sit here on the eve of the day i will start walking, i know i go with all of those folks with me, not behind me, not leading the way, but all around me. thank you just doesn’t seem to be enough, so just know i promise, no matter what happens, to bring back some stories.

i have also had the great fortune of finding some amazing gear made by real people that i talked to… including my shoes (yes, i have shoes that are amazing and i know exactly who sewed them) and i will be doing a separate post! but for now, today and tonight, i will be doing at least 2 more shakedowns, drinking some ft. george beers, and hanging out at sou’wester. tomorrow i will get dropped off at ft. stevens state park to start walking along the oct.

whoa! time moves so fast

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i’ve been meaning to put up so many updates about the planning and prep going on here, but then stuff happens and changes so quickly, and well, geez….

first, just let me say, all the support i have been getting from friends and family has been astounding! so much! not one person has had a single negative or discouraging thing to say about this little walk. i can not say enough how much this means to me! there are so many things to get overwhelmed with in this planning process, and to know that i don’t have to defend this decision is fantastic. also, this might be where living a queer life has its advantages. i’ve already come out so many times in ways that i don’t fit the prescribed rolls or social norms, so maybe the people in my life are getting use to these things from me. also, i’ve surrounded myself with some of the best people around. i couldn’t ask for better folks.

i will eventually get into some of the most common questions in a future post (probably later this week), but here is the latest timeline for those keeping track at home (yes, its moved up…again, and yes, i know how high the snow levels are…188% snow levels in the sierra’s!).

my last day of work is now march 14th! whoa! i have like 5 shifts left and no more pay checks or closing shifts! however, i did start a go fund me (the big walk)

our last day in our little house is march 31st! no address! and everything (and i do mean everything) must go!

leave for family visit april 1st! party and colorado play time!

back to portland april 14! meet for beer and burritos after dropping off the rental car.

astoria april 14 and 15! hell ya! fort gorge brewery, blue scorcher bakery, little coastal hikes to big giant spruce trees with friends!

april 15 start walking! holy shit!

so there you have it! up dated time line. i will be posting why i’m starting with the oregon cost trail, why i’m leaving earlier, and what the big questions are from why to whatcha’ takin’ with ya’?

wow! i better get to it!

 

 

wow! wow! wallowa mountains

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for years i have been hearing about the grandeur of the wallowa mountains in the eagle cap wilderness in eastern oregon. to be honest, i had no idea what the heck people were talking about. the cascade range is super evident. the mountains (aka volcanic peaks) that surround me here are obvious. but i have driven where the wallowas lay across the land, and have never seen them, or i had seen some snow-covered tips, but… really? isn’t it just dry farm land?

we all went about our morning routines in our own paces. we exchanged gear relevent to our trips. they went to drop the bike tour friend to their starting point while i went to the trail head (and still trying to find a map). i filled up my favorite mug with some hot coffee and walked around the trail head area. the land already felt special in ways that seemed familiar while completely unknown.

we had picked a loop that would take us around the lake basin and over a couple of passes. many people do the lake basin loop, but go the opposite way and not as far east as we had chosen. when my friend arrived, we put on our packs, took pictures of important parts of the backpacking book, since we could not find a map anywhere (!) and headed up the trail….literally straight up!

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we found a comfortable pace and set into a nice conversation. i realized i have this thing that i do when i’m on climb, i like to look back and see how quickly i’ve climbed so high relative to where i had started. for some reason it takes the view ahead of how much further i have to go seem “well look what i have already done, so of course i can do this” but also, the higher we got, the more amazing views we had of wallowa lake (where we started the morning). once we to the last view-point of the lake before taking a turn that would leave the lake and all that has happened leading to this adventure behind us, we could see this line. its a line that marks the end of lush forest to dry arid farmland. its such a distinct line from up above, even though i had moved slowly through the lines and could see the effects of the changing landscape… its like if you have ever gone up and walked a clear-cut. you feel the heat radiating off the bare-naked land. can feel the sun cooking the once nutrient dense soil. then you walk into what is left of the forest and see just how deep the effects of that clear-cut goes…at least as much as my above-ground eyes can see.

i gave pause at this as i made that turn. something caught in my chest that i wouldn’t understand until later.

we rounded the turn and came to a little place, like a pond along the river we were following and took a little break. it was so peaceful. as we chatted, both of us wondering what and where we would want to go as portland is becoming harder and harder to live creatively in, when we see this shack across the stream. there is this water divergent pump station here with a bridge that leads over there (naturally (?) there is a locked gate with warning signs about crossing. but our imaginations cross anyway. we both agree. living in such a place would totally be doable! it’s just the right size! we could do this thing over there, and so and so could do their thing and…. seems fences can’t keep out the dream. meanwhile, there were these super cute little birds diving into the depths of the pond to feed and entertain us (pretty sure the entertainment was a side effect).

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when we got to roger lake, just before anoroid lake, we had a little lunch. here is where we saw the first people since we took off (ok maybe we saw some others, but not many and we were talking so that didn’t count) it was a group of women and we all just sort of waved to one another in an acknowledgment of wow women hiking with no men to show them the way! (well ok that is what i was thinking). we were both tired, but feeling good. if we camped at anoroid lake (which for some reason, i’m a lazy reader, i kept calling android lake) it was going to be a short mileage day. so when we got to r2d2 lake, we decided to keep going. we were sure that there was another lake close by and some streams for water when we looked at the book’s map (why the hell could we not find a map to buy before we left!)…so we decided to keep going for the day…but then we had to keep going…and going…and then we were over tenderfoot pass and the wind hit us like crazy and because once on top we just stayed up, there was no stopping it.

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we finally came around the corner to the saddle the wind was whipping through, not that it slowed it down, but we did see a solo packer setting up a tent… a really big tent for one person and her dog. so here is where we decided we would find a place to set up camp for the night. there was no water and we just had enough to get us to the stream at the other side of the pass we would have to climb in the morning… dry snack dinner it was.

it was getting cold and the wind maybe was a little calmer where we set up behind a bluff. we pitched our tents with our doors facing each other (we used both of the single person tents i have which have side facing doors (why do people use front facing doors?) so we snuggle into our respective sleeping vessels and chatted up the night. as the sun went down so did the wind and the night was moon filled and peaceful!

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we woke to frost everywhere! but the sun quickly came over the ridge and warmed up and all the things. water bottles were frozen so we had a dry breakfast and packed up and went in search of the trail to polaris pass that would take us into the lakes basin.

it was a climb, but the trail was a gentle climb. with views that were incredible and we were able to warm up quickly. when we got to the top of the pass, we could see how people would follow the ridge lines to the tops of peaks, we could see the trails at the bottom and all the directions and pockets with cute lakes and trees. this pass was warm and gentle and quiet… we had a long break up here….and then we started down and

down

and

down

and

down.

one reason that i was given for not being able to buy a map at one of the mt shops i frequent, is that they only carry green trails maps and since the trail systems here are incomplete or not frequently maintained, there aren’t green trails maps…. i thought about this for a minute. then i thought about some books that described hikes in this area and that for many reasons, the trails aren’t maintained much. this all rattled in my brain for a moment as i looked down at what could be construed as a trial through the scree (a shear side of a ridge where sometimes there is a slight flattened area where the rocks are to be walked upon) and wondered “how the hell would one even begin to maintain such a trail?” {a couple of days later we ran into a ranger who was doing trail maintenance and said as much to him. his response was he wondered the same but more so how do you even cut such a trail in the first place…yup!} my mind went staggeringly along as i decided that yes, i must find a way to do work with local groups as i pass through communities, and do some trail maintenence  while i’m on by big walk.

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the kinds of signs we had to go by…this was a good one

we went through some amazing places in our downward descent, but couldn’t look unless we stopped our perpetually moving forward bodies for fear of falling victim to the strong gravitational forces, however, we did run into 2 really nice women who were going the opposite direction as us. they were actually counting the switchbacks and let us know where we were in relation to those numbers… i can never keep track of such information, but soon i could see then hear the water from the stream that we were waiting for, and ooooh! what a waterfall stream it was! i kicked off my shoes, filled up all my water vessels and sat the fuck down! it was amazing. the water was cold and crisp and sweet… i have some addictions for sure, but my main addiction is for wild water, untreated, unfiltered, and straight into my mouth! i cupped my hands and drank.

we sat here for a spell. had a snack or two.

from here it wasn’t far to frazier lake and then the full on lakes basin. we had decided that we would camp at frazier, then horseshoe lake, and then head out. this would give us the time to see the things, take our time and have enjoyable nights and afternoons at the lakes. we wanted to enjoy and experience with out being rushed… some friends were getting married at the end of the adventure and wanted to get back in time for some celebrations.

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i don’t know how to talk about the rest of the trip.

the land is magical

the lakes are pristine

all of this should be experienced for one’s self

we learned about the cut-offs and connections that could make for shorter or longer trips to see this and be in this landscape.

what i can say is that view you see in countless oregon hiking and backpacking books of glacier lake will never ever do it justice, not even the one that i have here!

but what i can say is that i sat there in awe with tears in my eyes at the wonder i could see and smell and feel and taste. that the quiet i let settle into my body and mind, was to prepare me to be here in this place now! to not miss a reflection of mountain and tree in the water, or the ripple of a fish jumping, or the tiniest of tiny frogs huddled together at the edge of a lake.

i can tell you that i know there are people who came before us (white people of european descent) who cared for (and still do) this land. and again i had this feeling that i was forgetting something that i should remember.

this feeling happened everywhere….glacier pass, moccasin lakes, following the wallowa river,at the top of a pass, and when we returned to the lake to meet our other friend.

that last night, when we had all gathered back at the brewery for some fresh greens and hops, i took my time getting back to camp. i knew i was missing something, some important piece of all this.

the next morning they took off for a hike before their return to portland. i took my time packing up and trying to decide where to go and what to do next before i had to be back myself. i don’t do weddings so much, but i wanted to celebrate with them at the after party (aka reception).

i stopped at the turn off for old chief joseph’s grave site, got out of the car and read the plaque. i have read many of the stories of this leader, and his son, chief joseph, of a people during a horrible moment (of many) in the history of this colonized country. i walked up to his gravesite (that had to be moved from the summer gathering place of his people because it had been robbed twice – what is wrong with people), and my eyes filled with tears. joseph isn’t just a random name given to this town. it is named after old chief joseph of the wallowa  band of the Niimiipuu [Nee-Me-Poo] (commonly called the Nez Perce and his people the “non-treaty” nez perce since they refused to sign a treaty that would relinquish more than 5 million acres of land.

the stories i had read of the leaders of these people, of trying to escape the violence, and of fighting fiercely for their way of living, of not leaving behind anyone…well reflect on what is happening in standing rock as i write this. who is fighting for what and why…what do we, as people, stand to lose if the military/corporations win… what way of life have we already loss and who has gained from that…

when i left here, i went to the forest service office, that i found after turning too early to go to lunch, and i found a vending machine full of maps… what the…

i also found a couple of nice forest rangers who talked me up a bit as they told their story of how they are trying to work with the different interest groups to protect and care for this land as opposed to what has happened in other parts of the state.

i’m in love with this area. i hope to make it back after the snows return to the peaks this winter as well as find a way to walk through this land again.

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vacation interlude

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leaving heart mountain antelope refuge (on the first day of hunting season) the deep quiet had settled into my whole being, yet i was so tense waiting all morning for the sound of shotguns. i kept my eyes out and kept repeating a little antalope mantra for them to be safe, hide… then i noticed the signs that said no hunting. my breathing returned and i hoped that these beautiful beings found safe grazing. soon i found something in the middle of the road.img_1916

i got out of the car and watched the pair continue grazing and watching me, the quiet and solitude sinking deeper still in me. would this sinking have no end?

eventually i turned onto paved road and came to the town of frenchglenn. i read about some of the history of this place and wasn’t sure what i would find this day…friend or shotgun. i pulled into the little market next to the hotel to get some gas. “we” are not supposed to pump our own gas here in oregon, so i went in to ask how i was to go about filling up. the person was a little gruff with “get your gas your self and tell me how much it came to”. i did not expect to get a bit excited about the prospect of using this old analog style of pump and getting to do it myself. when went i went back in to pay for it and a bag of chips the person was super nice as i paid with cash! wow! we all got a little happy with a return to simple cash and gas pumping. the pace of this land and lack of electronic devices or even a signal to use a device was settling deep in my conscience. with the exception of being in a car, i felt like i had shrugged off the pace of a city folk.

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i tried to hang out at malheur national wildlife refuge, but it felt kinda funny and i had to turn around and leave as quickly as i entered the area. yes this is where the big stand-off was early this year. (i found out after returning to portland that there had been a bomb threat the timeframe i was there). so i headed straight for my next hot springs with only a couple of detours in burns and crane and readied myself for meeting up with my friends and having a little adventure in the high country.

i spent most of my time at crystal crane hot springs sorting food and organizing my main pack for backpacking…well between soaks in the little hot spring of a lake. this is a funny little place, but so worth the venture, even if its to knock the desert dust off and actually cook a meal in the camp kitchen.

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in the morning i met some funny folks around the coffee pot and pep talked myself for a stint on the freeway. as i moved through this shifting ecology, i noticed something in me shifting and breaking loose. i teared up as i took the bends in the road and witnessed the expanse of land, or river, or colors. i felt so open and vulnerable and alive…and i hadn’t even put on the pack yet!

as i moved closer to meeting my friends in enterprise, specifically terminal gravity brewing, i wondered if i was fit for company, fit to do this hike (all of which is considered strenuous). would i even be able to form complete sentences with my super amazing friends.

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i arrived a bit before them. had a beer in the warm sunshine, put my feet in the little creek that runs through the picnic table area, and quickly fell in love with this brewery. it is my all time favorite so far in my life (and i have been to a great many breweries). it’s not just the really good beer that they craft, nor the friendly folks working there, the food was better than average (brewery food is not always the best unless you trying to reload calories), the running water in the middle of the seating is a huge perk, but mostly it is the feeling of sitting on the front porch of a friend’s house while sharing a good moment. and the views of the wallowas….well i hope to go back very soon when the peaks are snow-covered and the sunny air is crisp and sharp. enterprise and joseph are 2 oregon towns that helped fill that small mountain town feeling that i have been searching for all year. already i was looking at the map and trying to figure out how i was going to be able to walk here.

my friends showed up right on time.aka, i had my senses gathered and was excited to see them; two of the most beautiful humans i know and i get to backpack with one while the other goes on a bike adventure on their own.

soon enough, i follow them to the campgrounds at the far end of wallowa lake. we set up camp, make a fire, and watch the stars come out all while catching up and thinking about all our options (also, a little of trying to convince the biking friend to hike with us).

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after toasting some vegan marshmallows (i’ve learned the secret is to let them get just a little stale, and then they roast up perfect!), they wander off to their tent while i bask in the glow of what is left of the fire mixed with the warmth of good friends. i snuggle into my tent and sleeping bag, excited to, finally, get the legs stretched out on the trail.

why wait

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this summer i have found myself waking up at 5 am and not able to go back to sleep, and my recent trip to astoria was no exception. since i was in a four person dorm style hostel room, i decided to just go ahead and get up and walk the river until a coffee shop opened up. with the cool coastal air mixed with a warm cup of coffee, i contemplated why i was waiting to start my walk until i turned 50. why was i waiting a year and a half? whats the point? have more money saved up? be better prepared? i could go to kansas in may when my niece graduates from high schools (and so many may birthdays), why don’t i make a long visit, toss in some explorations of colorado, and just leave when i get back? these questions came up no matter where i went: sitting outside a funky bar talking to some locals, walking the beach as the sunset, drinking fantastic beer in the sunshine…and i had no answers.

some of the biggest logistical things that have kept me confused are what happens when our lease is up in may? what if i can’t find anything affordable to live in until i am ready to leave (this is super real in the portland housing market)? plus i am ready to go. i am already in the frame of mind of preparations. everyone i talk to is super supportive. why wait?

so i’m not!

i am going to plan a trip to kansas /colorado/utah in may and then come back, put on the pack and leave! that gives me 8 months, roughly, to get it all together as much as possible. at this point i just kind of have to wait and see what kind of winter we will be having to know what direction i want to go, or if it’s a high snow year, how i can skirt around it as much as possible in the early season.

so, there you have it! i upped the time frame and its all systems go! i’ve got plans to talk to work about how my schedule might change so that i can make the plans and take some classes to learn a few more skills. i’ll need to take off and dial in a few new pieces of gear ans systems for more versitility. locate resupply options. do some fundraising.

 

movement, therapy, and thoughts

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there always seems to be a lot out there about how much certain activities are good for us. good for the heart, lowering our risks for certain illnesses. some have been said to decrease the symptoms of depression. whatever activity the person is trying to promote, or maybe the activity that has helped them the most, or many times, it’s the activity that they are trying to promote and make money from. they always come in waves. through the years i’ve watched several things become in as the fitness craze: yoga, power walking, running, biking, cross-fit, , hiking (getting out in nature), with the popularity of the book wild, the ptc specific long distance trail, fishing, swimming, triathlon, ultra-everyting….

the list could keep going on and on i’m sure, but i just finished reading the latest collection of essays by elly blue publishing;  cycletherapy: grief and healing on two wheels. its edited by elly blue and anika ledlow. i’ve enjoyed elly blue’s work for a while. her zines called taking the lane have been funny, inspiring, and moving. her focus is on women getting on bikes and moving through the world, so reading this new collection i was excited to see how two wheels have facilitated women healing various parts of themselves.

as i got towards the end of this collection, i was having a conversation with a friend of mine who is trying to find different ways of working with the parts of their life that are more challenging to them. as we talked, i mentioned some of the things that work for me i realized i actually have a lot of “tools in my toolbox” of coping mechanisms. i do love to ride my bike, go for urban/ocean-side/forested/river-side walks, i run, i do yoga, i do body-weight exercises, i occasionally push my body to its limits, i’m as gentle as i can be with my body nourishing it and soaking it in warm baths, i write, i chat with friends, i hide, i dance, i cry, i laugh, read, watch movies, have sex…. there are so many ways we can find for working with challenges and unpleasant aspects of being human, and movement is a big part of it for me.

in fact, working through some of the toughest and painful parts of my life is how i found some of the activities i love the most. i crave the woods when i am grieving the loss of a friend, family member (human or non-human). anger or deep pain makes me want to push hard, so running or long bike rides or strenuous hikes for days and days, dancing hard and fast till i’m drenched in sweat…. and maybe because these are the activities i choose during tough times, they are also activities i search out in days of celebration and joy… they just bring such peace of mind.

if i am searching out something more meditative, things i need to marinate in, i choose slower activities: yoga, sitting meditation, slower bike ride on a dedicated path, slower walks in the woods (especially by a river or the ocean), cooking good comforting foods, reading, playing music, a glass of wine, a hot bath…

i guess what i love about moving my body to different paces and rhythms is that it shakes the stuff out of me. i can force out the things i don’t want to see or feel about myself or a situation. i can get deeper and past the superficial aspect of something: what am i really pissed about or sad about or confused about? i’m not really depressed about getting old, but about not doing or being who i thought i would be by now. i’m not mad at that person for what they just did, i’m mad at what i didn’t do in the situation. or i not really mad i’m sad and i just want to cry, but i forgot how so if i push myself to my limits, maybe i can get past my own bullshit long enough to let go.

as i was thinking about all this, i got mad at the masculine nature of all the body movement sports magazines, books about the activities written by men that tell us how to do things properly. why do we trust men to tell us how to move our bodies? even erotica is often based in masculine movement and feminine sounds (thrusting/moaning). and one of the most healing aspects of of moving my body  for me, is the confidence i get in moving my body. i learn what i am capable of in that moment, and if i can handle this activity, i can handle anything. and if i am struggling making it up this hill, its ok to stop, slow down, take a break/give myself a break. i can recognize that i am capable of different things on different days. some days that hill on my way home is much tougher, some days it’s a total breeze. the more i learn to trust my body, the more i learn to trust myself and my instincts, my emotions and feelings. i trust that this surge of emotions is a part of my body and part of me and all those things are ok even if its tough. and what ever is going on will come to an end, a finish line, shore line, time runs out, i walk away…best lesson in buddhism is that everything in impermanent. and reading stories written by men about conquests of mountains, trails, mileage, proper technique and style misses the point for me. and i don’t want men, white men at that, to tell me how to move my body!

so yea, sometimes i push my body so hard. i want to physically hurt as much as i emotionally hurt, and once i burst through that threshold i eventually push through those feeling or emotions. sometimes the only thing i trust to handle my grief and pain is nature. i know the trees can bare my pain and won’t try to solve it. the rivers and ocean can hold my tears and my fears and won’t try to wash them away. my bike, my legs, my arms will carry the things i’m struggling with and give it all space to spread out before me so that i can see it for what it is. i don’t want any of this to go away. i want to learn how to live with it and work through it. i will never miss the people no longer in my life, but the pain becomes something i can hold and smile at, be grateful for. my anger becomes a window to what is really happening or where i truly see an injustice in the world and how i can participate in making it less so. it’s the clarity that i am usually searching for, and movement is how i find it most often.

so reading cycletherapy was a happy, inspiring, and refreshing change of pace. there are many voices and reasons for riding bikes. we/i want to hear more female identified voices, more voices from the fringes (watch for when i find myself capable of taking about the book octavia’s brood) about how we move through this world. the more voices in more diverse and dynamic styles and types of media, the more we see ourselves reflected in this world, the more we can change it to actually look outwardly the way it does inwardly… and there is another piece of the revolution!

where have i been

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today i was walking to a food cart pod to get a some pizza and a beer. i’ve been super busy (i don’t like being super busy) so on a slower day, i decided to walk and listen to a podcast. i choose SNAP JUDGEMENT. the latest episode is called “tin man” and evaluated what “we” are missing. so here i am, a vegan pizza and a pint down, wondering what have i been doing, what am i missing that keeps me from connecting to people, and why have i not posted any of my adventures in the past several months. questions always lead me to more questions: what HAVE i been doing, do i really want to connect with people and if so how, who, why? and how do i explain my absence from writing?

well, i’m not ready to address all those questions brought up in the podcast so lets talk about where i have been and what i’ve been up to. i started an intimate relationship… yayaya, i know what you are thinking… ok really i don’t. however, what i think is that at first i got so distracted with the whole getting to know someone new, having lots of sex the kind of sex that wears you out and makes you want more… to the point i was missing so many meals and still trying to work and not talking to people or reading the news or work email or…. so anyway, at some point we realized we were building (i don’t really like this term) or in or something beyond a casual “see ya when i see ya” thing…. there is a relationship happening. i never really thought i would want another relationship. i kind of think of myself as a sort of lone wolf. i meet someone. it only lasts for a short period of time because i don’t really want to share my precious time or energy on them, and neither do they on me… its great. kind of superficial. but it works for some time. also i have some really amazing friends that fill me in so many ways.

do i keep it this way because i am some kind of person lacking the drive it takes to build relationships? do i hate drama so much that i just don’t want anything at all to do with it? do i just really really like my time alone that much? or have i just not met the person who can relate with me in this same way? or is there some other fear that i just have not dug deep enough into? i’ve had a couple of really great loves in my life, why settle for anything less just to not be “alone”? or am i just missing something that makes me want to connect to another person in a more intimate way?

i think i’m looking at all of these, and the last one in particular, as i find myself in a relationship with someone i’ve known for a little while. we met on a trail run back when i was living in a van for a spell. she was in a relationship, and i was not into relating, but liked meeting new people. forward a couple of years, and one night in december it all changed. i had just started thinking how i would like to connect with someone again. that i missed those special moments that can happen when you have certain attractions with folks. i had just realized i loved and cared for another friend, and thereby found myself opening back up to this way of relating to people in my life.

so there we were, standing outside a bar (the band we went to see was sold out) drinking cocktails by a fire. people came and went while we stood, soaked on the backside, glowing warmth on the front. we left to go finally eat some food. had a bazaar and excitingly good conversation with a stranger who came to our table in tears, and left smiling and laughing. she bought us a round of jamison to celebrate her moving from tears to laughter, insisting that my friend and i had been in a relationship for sometime, that she could tell. after the jamison, she left us alone in yet another glow. my intent was to bike her home. she invited me to stay and cuddle… to cuddle. my reply was that i don’t cuddle [so here we disagree on what happened, so this dialoque appearently happened in my head until sometime later; as in weeks later]… i mean i do cuddle. i love to cuddle. but i don’t cuddle my friends (unless they ask me to spoon them like a friend and then of course i do) but really, i don’t spoon or cuddle my friends. i hold them in times of need. i am a hugger, but i also knew that if this woman and i were going to get into a bed, naked, and cuddle, that it would not remain cuddling. in other words, if we got into bed together that night we would have sex… that was my way of dealing with consent culture. because i do want consent culture, but i don’t want to have to ask at every step. i want to be with someone who will tell me what is going on with them, and i to them, and we can both read body language and ask if the fear we are sensing is a good exciting fear, or a fear where we stop and talk about what is happening, or just stop because they say so… no reason needed.

according to her, she asked if i wanted to stay, i looked up at the sky (having a conversation in my head) and said sure. she gave me cloths to sleep in. we cuddled in. warmth filled our bodies that had been cooled by a winter rain and bike ride.

anyway… we got into bed and it wasn’t long before we began to explore. i want to say we were inseparable from then on, but not really. a few nights later i invited her to a friend’s show. we walked to the bar.  after some music, walked to the waterfront to check out the “no-car” bridge. maybe climb over and cross it. but it was during Ferguson and protests and cops with pepper spray and batons just waiting for an excuse to use them, and razor wire along the top of the fence that i couldn’t figure out why it was there, who cared?…. so we drank beer under the bridge, talked, and had sex on the bench along the bike path.

there were a few more encounters like this, and then we became somewhat inseparable. though not really. we both had our things going on, but when we didn’t, we could spend long periods of time in each others company…. not just having sex, but exploring one another’s desires, wants, needs, asking questions not so much during but after, talking about what worked or didn’t as well, learning…..

we become confused on why we couldn’t get breakfast at 5 pm or why brunch ended at 3. reality became warped. on one spring camping trip that was particularly rainy, we stayed in the back of the car all weekend, we craved some kind of special room service, and started developing plans for long hotel stays with room service, but we really prefer our own cooking, so what if we made a bunch of treats that were nutritious and delicious that we could eat to replenish calories and satiate us until we were really ready to get out of our sleeping area….salads are great! pre-made and ready for the simple dressing to toss it all into… lots of seeds and nuts….

anyway, i’m getting distracted… see how easy it is to get distracted when talking about sex. i don’t think it’s because sex is actually distracting, but because we don’t talk about it much, so when we do it becomes distracting. we don’t encounter it enough in our lives, in positive ways that is. i’m not saying that we aren’t having enough sex, though that could be true. but if i start talking about the sex i am having with someone, regardless of the kind of relationship i have with them, people get kind of awkward, and so do i. how much is too much sharing? why don’t we talk more about why we like certain experiences and what happens when we explore those more? what about when we come up next to a super old and socially shared fear and face it? question it? go deeper into what it is about and if that is the real fear, or if there is something deeper?i would like to think that my fears aren’t so simple, yet at the same time are more simple. do i really fear that the person i am with is going to leave me for someone else, or that i am being lied to and therefore can’t make more well-informed decisions about the relationship or the other options before me because i am being manipulated by lies and misinformation?or maybe i’m not really afraid of them leaving me, but of being alone. if i think of the alone aspect, well that doesn’t really work for me because alone is what i know it’s what i’m good at. so maybe i fear not being alone. the list could go on and on.

if we don’t have places we can talk about these things, well we just stay in really fucked up or confusing situations, accepting relationships that don’t really feed us, or allow us to truly nurture the ones we love, or to questions our social norms.

the person i’ve started this relationship with is polyamorous and wants to only be in open relationships. i knew this going into this because we have been friends long enough to know that she won’t be in another relationship that’s not. as her friend i wouldn’t ask her to do anything different. that being said, neither of us have ever really been in an open relationship. sure, i’ve “dated” more than one person at a time, but at some point we either decide to be exclusive or we move on. then there are the people i’ve dated that were in open relationships and i was the other person.

so what does this all mean, and why am i writing about it? i’m not so cheesy to think that love is the biggest adventure of them all. however, i think that the idea of love and how we love, what makes up a good solid relationship, who makes a good partner (especially consider the timing of “gay” marriage and all that bullshit), and how we define all this is one of the top social constructions we face regularly. as a queer person and a vegan with anarchist beliefs, i have a really hard time thinking of telling someone i love and care about, what they can or can’t do with their bodies, time, interactions…. i can say what i do or do not want in my life (sti, drama…)and make agreements about how we meet one another’s needs. what i am learning is that i really want to be with someone who knows who they are and what they want. that we have these lives we want to live and dreams we want to make real. who am i to stand in the way?!

i’ve never been in a relationship that had this level of communication without the kind of over processing that drives me crazy, or scripted language of liberal folks that have had too much therapy that they can’t speak directly any more. we still have a lot to learn and have made mistakes, but we are learning and laughing and loving.

in the mean time, i and we have been on all kinds of queer vegan adventures that i want to share, but and yet, this relationship has made me question what it is that i can or should share here. if it was just me, well i wouldn’t care. she has given me full clearance to share whatever i want. yet, what do you want to hear? do you want to know the amazing places we found in nature to explore, where there was no one else for days so we spent it naked in the car, in the tent, out of the enclosures, laid in the grass or meadow, in the water, on the sandy or rocky beach? do you want to know how much i am being stretched and pulled as a person, as a lover, as a friend, as a human being trying to relate and still be myself? how i am calling bullshit on myself? or do you want pretty pictures and thoughts about how we relate to the greater world?

what does it mean to be a complete human being with love and fear and dreams….

well now, that is what i call an adventure!